The Vault

Thanks for your prayers, Mission Trip's Off

2012-01-29T15:38:00.004-05:00

It's with great distain that I report that the mission trip has been called off -- or rescheduled, or in limbo or something, but the point is. I'm not going in April. I know God's timing is supreme. Cant say that I'm not disappointed though.

Maybe next time huh? *Shrug*

Funny how...

2012-01-27T00:19:00.000-05:00

It's funny how....(no...not funny...) how things are lining up on my end for the overseas mission trip, (except the beginning of fundraising...) but the organizer may cancel the trip due to lack of participants and the rush of funds raising.

Door closing? Or an illusion?

And yet, the one thing that I feel like I shouldnt do right now [..advanced degree] is waving it's self all in my face.

Secret message or false security?

I'm gonna leave it in the Lord's hands and pray that he speaks to the organizer. (I dont wanna make any Plan B plans, but if this overseas thing doesnt work out, I'm going on 7 mini vacations by myself)

This year I SHALL TRAVEL.

One small step twds obedience, two giant steps twds faith

2012-01-19T23:59:00.001-05:00

I was able to give my notice on Tuesday -- without fear and intimidation -- to the COO, because the CEO was 'conveniently' held up in traffic and another meeting.

Task: Done.

My prayer continues to be that God would help me discern His plan and desire for this stage of my life and purpose.

Trusting God. Seeking His way. Sharing the Love

James 1:27

God's Birthing Something...A Healing.

2012-01-17T11:19:00.002-05:00

They say that things come back to your rememberance once you're ready to deal with things and I believe it. I feel like I'm giving birth to something -- not a grand thought or idea, but literally a healing. Like I've been holding on to something for 7.5 years and here it comes through the canal....

It's time.

I dreamt last night. That I was back I'd returned to a state where I'd left a shameful past. I drove, and I sat outside of an apartment that I'd rented, - actually one that I stayed. I didnt pay any rent, but I what I did, I did to earn my keep.

My friend at the time had multiple personality disorder. She was escaping from that whole clan of ppl who would 'call her out' of the house at all hours of the night to perform rituals and lewd acts, satanic acts, and then get right back to playing the part of living a regular life in the morning. I dont wanna get much into that, but she moved. I'd helped her move and her therapist thought it would be safer if she had someone living with her and so I did. I also was down on my luck financially, and very young so it ended up to be what I thought would be a win-win situation.

This dream....

Last night I dreamt that I (must've) drove up there and sat outside of the apartment. I'd looked into the window and saw that someone else lived there now...a man, and a woman - both happy and smiling. Time's passed, life goes on. I'd camped out for most of the day I guess but by that afternoon I was laying naked in the car, covered only with a blue blanket from my college. I'd had my dog, and a few other things. Somehow I either got into the apartment (which looked redecorated and designed with modern furniture and shades of green walls rom the outside view of the window) or ran into this old friend - I dont remember which, but I know that both happened. Maybe I got into the apt first and saw it was white washed walls, empty rooms and an apt filled with lifelessness. I'd went up stairs and found a room filled with dusty furniture and possessions -- my stuff that I left when I left in the middle of the day. Still there, shoved into a corner and undisturbed - covered in dust balls and cobwebs and I left (the apt in the dream).

Back in my car, now only covered in my blanket (yes, that's the sequence). Oh wait, now I know what happened...rewind.

I was camped out in the car, looking through the window and saw the two ppl, laughing and smiling and I felt relief because time had passed -- memories of a time back then were gone. I turned to my left, and saw the friend get into her car - a black mustang, back up and drive past my parked car. Lo and behold at about the same moment that she passed by a bag of garbage fell from my trunk (how did that get there?...) and landed in her path. She stopped, I got out the car, hid my face with a black hoodie, looked off to the side, picked up the garbage bag and got back in the car. By that time I was naked covered only in a college blanket, and went she left I entered the apt....

When I left the apt I saw a group of students walking up a long hill. This hill exists in real life at the apt complex, and it leads to the main road (somewhat like a State road - 3 lanes in one direction, and 3 lanes in another; speed limit 55. Yeah, this road is a monster). I walked up the hill in a pair of simple clothes pushing a large tupperware storage bin, a box of laundry detergent and my dog. Thats all I had. My car was gone. It began to rain.

I tried to avoid most of the crowd because of embarrassment, my clothes - tattered, stripped down my possessions laid right there before me and I was lost. I talked with a lady who asked where my coat and car was I and I told her that I didnt have it, that I needed to walk [off] (Representative of pay penance for..) to get to where I was going. Strangely I ran into my sister at the top of the hill who said she was going to class. It was odd for her to have been in this dream sequence -- but then again she kinda knew where I was living, just not all the behind the scenes info. And by the time I got to the top of the hill, the tupperware bin was gone, the rain had eaten away at my laundry detergent box and its powders were spilled up the asphalt. I'd myself and my dog left -- and his lease was gone so I had to hold him as I traveled.

Somehow, time passes it's now 530pm I'm in the apt in the room where I'd slept and left my stuff and I was looking through some art work in a sketch pad. There was a canvas picture of a charcoal depiction of a female holding out her middle finger. The title of the work was, "B". [for bitch]. Someone was obviously mad when they painted it. My mother entered the room.

She'd never been to that apt, ..and she was getting dressed -- covered in bra and panties only, getting dressed (for what, where IDK) We went downstairs, went to exit and damnit if I couldnt see through the window - she was home, got out the car, looked up twds the apt, saw lights on and entered the space. She looked at me, I looked at her and asked my mother for some time so I can talk with her. [Usually this would have been a moment of sheer anxiety and heart racing and fear and I would have been awakened by my own heartbeatting out of its chest, but not this time... not this time.] My sister (where did she come from...?) came down the stairs and gave me this, "I'll come in here and whoop somebody's butt if you need me to .." look, and got in line. At that time, my friend Crystal drove up into the parking lot. Drove! It took 770 miles to get there, how'd she know? And so leaving the apt was my father, my mother, and my sister, all dressed in suits and formal wear, and Crystal's hanging out outside -- she drove up in my car -- it had been returned...redeemed.

I turned at looked at her - the old friend - and she started the blame game. "What are you doing here? You know everyone knows that something's wrong with me...You've taken my freedom away...." I stopped her dead in her tracks with boldness and a finger pointed right in her face, "No your freedom is what you've given away!" and in my anger and pursed lips I stared her in the eyes and could see the scene so vividly - suspended in time.... Face to face, no fear, no hesitation, standing up for myself....

And I drooled.

Yep, yelling anger and pursed lips make for an excellent chance for spit to slip out. I got distracted, I felt the drool. I wiped my mouth and woke up.

God's not done with this. This is the healing I've been needing -- not directly seeking -- but I guess he has chosen this as his appointed time. I lost so much of who I was during those years that it's taken me 7 years to recover from it, and now,...now that I've found a sense of what I'm passionate about and have the willingness to walk in that; to be free to let my personality shine -- I sense that God cannot allow me to let this unhealed area continue to be a hindrance in my life. What ppl like most about me, I hold back and stuff down into a boring shell of a person and that cannot be any longer. I tasted that sense of freedom this past weekend while at friend's house holding her newborn baby -- so relaxed and at ease...it really felt good to just be who God made me to me.

What impressed me the most is that I thought I was alone, stripped down and without and look at the army of ppl who came to my rescue. This is not over. The healing's coming. And it shall be good.

So much going on inside of me... Good things, God things..

2012-01-15T15:26:00.001-05:00

Realized in the earlier part of the week that quitting that second job is something that I Must do -- and to take up for the extra money that I make in 6 days, I can work ONE extra day at my main job. So what stopped me from doing that this past Friday? I was afraid to -- because the boss was in a bad mood -- and I didnt wanna bring it up during the office staff meeting.

Feelings:...

I feel like I'm shackled, like I cannot do what God is calling me to do in the near future when I dont have time to do anything -- not laundry, not time with my dog, no-thing. And this became more and more apparent to me when my parents fell ill and my concept of time and purpose came (quickly) into view. But I chickened out.

Dreams far off:....

I held a baby last night, actually, I was shooting some pictures of a friend's newborn baby and we encouraged each other in the LORD. We had some really good chats on purpose and the lesson's learned in obedience and following God and all. I realized that I'd much rather have and follow God, and live a simpler life than to continue onto this path....

For reasons that I wont go into, this second job's not gonna work out in the long term. I had an inkling that some transitions would take place on my main job, -- and that I should be investing my time in things that produce longevity. Yes, longevity.

I went to church today, pulled into the parking lot with tear-stained cheeks and a praise of thanksgiving to God. Worship (music) was great -- and by great I mean soulful, worshipful..... adoring to God. An opportunity is coming up - to travel, to pour into the lives of children, to sing, to play sports and to share the Gospel.

I gotta quit that job.

I feel like this is my chance - to be a part of something that allows me to express my God given passions. I dunno how it's gonna happen (this opportunity) and I'm got to quickly get my hands off the how, and walk in the 'trust'. I dunno how he's gonna make it happen, but he is able.

Asking for your prayers for the resources for this mission trip. Lord help me keep my motives close to your heart. God is able. Selah.

Boxer dream and jeal-o-sy

2012-01-10T08:59:00.002-05:00

I had several dreams last night. The first one was about having to leave a movie theater with a person who was triggered after seeing a phalic symbol on screen (used in a comedy sketch). The person -- reference of someone I knew from another time in my life, suffered from MPD or multiple personality disorder, and this was often the case. Hmm. Why on my subconscious? Why now?

Later I had a dream about an old boxer friend of mine whom I went to school with, and is now pretty well known in the media. We were all kinda hanging out discussing old high school memories.

The third dream was about taking care of that same referenced person who was sick with the flu -- and I mean take care of with all sorts of medication schedules and all that. And surprisingly it was done with compassion. Again, why now?

I woke up to an email that informed me of some employee role changes at work. Found out the one co-workers got a promotion and you know what? I'm really not happy for her. And it's jealousy I suppose. Its the fact that she's hurt me, 'hurt' by her actions; all of her cries of 'being a christian' and the shared love for the Lord became a shade for what was really underneath the surface. And that was a mess. At this point, my thoughts are not - that I want was she has, but I think its the principle that she's done what she's done, and gets too be elevated to the next level. I guess its just a reveal of God's ablilty to raise you up in spite of. And it's a revelation that there is some unforgiveness there -- and I know it is. I am EXTREMELY cautious around this person, for the fact of the matter is, I've seen the tactics, I've seen the ploys and I've got to guard myself from being pulled down that slippery slope.

How am I supposed to surrender that to God? I dont think that there's a specific prayer for that one. It's not "her" the person, it's those layers of defensive mechanisms. *Stops and thinks for a while, then shrugs* Oh well.

"I wanna live"

2012-01-08T21:57:00.002-05:00

Talking to my dad tonight
He said, "I wanna live. Thank you for being there for me in my hour of need. You never know how much a person means to you until you're gonna lose them. Thank you."

Heartless Bastard [Dream]

2012-01-05T03:48:00.001-05:00

I just woke up from a dream with domestic violence in it. My family and I were having dinner in this old steak house and my father and mother started to argue over money. He felt like she owed him for the money spent during their marriage. And totaled it up.

It real life tho he has told my mother that I owe him x amount of money's because he sent me 300 dollars for rent and all of this and held it over my head secretly.

So they start arguing and this coworker of mine who seems to be a good father from the stories I've heard was sitting there and the only thing I could think about was "what a good father you are."

Things escalate and he calls my mother trifiling and My sister worthless so the waitress comes over with the bill confused because she's got to readjust the bill and separate the tabs when I get up leave the table and walk to my car in disgust. My mother does the same and as I get the car to take her and my sister and I home, my father walks up to my mother called her a worthless bitch and hits her right arm with a silver cane. I'm screaming to call 911 and can see myself calling 911. I wake up in a frenzy with fear and anger and the first words out of my mouth is: "Heartless Bastard."

I woke up angry, remembering how my father would beat my mother, how scared I was of him and all of that. Then i saw the irony of the heart. See the connection?

Powerful dream

2011-12-29T07:20:00.001-05:00

I had a dream featuring a Christian speaker, a local friend and her husband, onions, a lake, a dirt hill, fast pitch softball, a small child, discipline, several single dollar bills and a single $10 dollar bill; me getting stuck under a conference table, (the speaker) preaching and teaching, the mention of a daughter, prayer and shouting, a popular local/known musician's desire for a baby, the laying on of hands,the speaking of tongues, the presence of the Holy ghost and a salt melon. (a
Melon filled with salt crystals).

It was a powerful dream indeed. Gotta sit with this one and figure out its meaning.

Also had a dream with about a friend who is currently in labor's family being there while she gives birth. And the baby sneezed.

Emotional exhaustion

2011-12-28T08:00:00.001-05:00

I stepped out into the lobby of the same day surgical waiting room so that the nurses can start my mothers IV line. She drank some orange juice to bring her blood sugar levels up early this morning and now she wont be able to be fully sedated for her surgery.

It's interesting to see things on the other side of the table -- these staff members are very compassionate. It reminds me that we are working with ppl, and their lives.

During the pre-op procedures I just stared off into space, looked down at the floor tiles and remained quiet the whole time. I guess -- as a nurse watching me you'd say that I was cold and uncaring, that I wasn't involved, or even guess that I have an attitude. I smell like second hand cigarette smoke, perhaps I am a dirty individual who doesn't care about their health. Maybe I'm a scumbag. I'm wearing a T shirt and jeans-- and they're wrinkled - I guess that means that I don't care about my appearance too. Assumptions... We've all got them.

Can you tell by my face that I'm exhausted? That I've worked 14 days in a row, jumped into a car and hauled ass to a destination where I didn't know what was going on? Did you know that my jeans and t-shirt is all I could grab in a moments notice? And that I've never touched a cigarette? Does my detachment tell you my career? Or education level? What does it say about my hobbies and lifestyle? How does my presentation affect how you will treat me? Speak to me? Help me find my way? Will you talk down to me? What's my value? Do I matter?

Assumptions -- we've all got 'em. Look at me -- and tell me who I am.

In the role of the caregiver

2011-12-26T11:04:00.001-05:00

My best friend and I have this phrase that she and I joke about when we call each other. I'll call her up and ask what she's doing and if it's something that she's gonna need to vent about she says, "I'm here..." meaning, there's a story coming up behind it. We laugh because that phrase originally came from a time I misjudged how much room I had behind me while backing up a vehicle into a parking spot -- and then I hit the other car. We laughed.

We often laugh.

But in this case and in my world, here I sit, here I am, back in the role of the caregiver. My friend Frank asked me how I was doing, and my answer was, "I'm here." I'm here, but I've not processed anything. Now that things have slowed down some (in terms of a sense of urgency) there is still a WHOLE 'lot to do. Getting my mother from point A to point B three times a week, plus up to the hospital to see my father, plus little errands around the town, groceries, pickups, etc. Today she woke up moaning because her back is in a spasm, her knees are locked up and she's in pain from the recent surgery she's had, plus the other area on her body that she is due to have surgery. Today is preparation for tomorrow. Tomorrow is scheduled treatment. Wednesday is scheduled surgery. Thursday is recovery time and pain mgmt. Friday is when I hope to get some sleep because Saturday I need to be back on the road and back to work for a 12 hour stretch and 14 days rotations. Caregiving aint for sissies.

And it aint leisurely either.

Emotionally I've set my temperament on, "I'm not gonna be manipulated", which is often the case when dealing with ppl with a chronic illness. Their lives are filled with events and scenarios that constantly drag them down so, in the case of my mother, she swings from moments of, "I can do it all, back off" to moans and whimpers of "I cant make it another step." But mostly she lives in the realm of, "I'm gonna passively-aggressively get you to do what I want through hints and suggestions" with a side of, "Shit, you're just gonna do what I say cuz I know-it-all (but I what I really need is all-the-help)". Honestly, she needs 24-hour supervision. Not because she cant do, but because her needs require help at all hours of the day. What do I mean? Lemme tell you.

Her diabetes may drop her sugar low and she may need quick interventions while barely getting a moan out. She's prone to falls due to moments of low blood pressure because her kidney's cant regulate the regular hemodynamics needed for changes in position, and things like coughing and sneezes can send her crashing to the floor quickly. Her recent surgeries have left her weak, and that on top of other health issues has made her bones brittle and her muscles whimpy so she needs the help of someone - CONSTANTLY. No wonder my dad's heart's giving out. He, and his own vices, and stress, and chronic high blood pressure and worrying and schedules and all of that is taking a toll on his health and so dealing with two sick parents -- is a chore. (Take it as you will, it's alot of work).

My mother's been disabled for 24 years, nearly the entire length of my sister's life. She's 25 and at the age of 6 months, some crackhead - (crack abuser) attacked my mother while at work (as a Social Worker) and her life's been changed ever since. I took on the role of big sister helper and helped with the small tasks around the house until I was given the responsibilities of taking care of my mother and helping to raise my little sister. That meant early mornings, getting her and I both to school, coming home to walk a dog, caring for my mother's afternoon needs, picking up my sister, making sure she ate, running to softball or whatever else was going on, coming home to cook dinner, clean the house, check homework, do the laundry, set up baths, clothes and schedules for the next day.

I was 10.(Well, I was 10 years old by the time it had gotten to that point) I was 5 when it all began. And here I am, age 30, tapping away on a laptop in the silence of a dark kitchen illuminated by the glow of the sun as it shines through patio door window. I snuck the door open for a moment of fresh air to regain a sense of life outside of this moment in time -- yes it seems frozen. I've called into work and let them know that I wont be in for the rest of the week. I can hear the scowl of the supervisor's voice, but then again he doesnt know what's taken place, so I cant fault him. In fact, my call to him is a formality -- just an act of trying to follow the proper chain of command. (But the truth of the matter is, my superior knows whats really going on). And I suppose it is tough trying to schedule ppl in this week -- I mean it IS the holiday season and ppl wanna spend time with their loved ones and gadgets. *Shrug* I dont feel bad tho, I'm not the type of employee who takes a week off from work to go to Disneyland, or the beach or anything, so if I call out -- I need the time off.

My sister's here now, gonna visit my dad again and then she'll be headed back to her home state in a couple of days. I'm grateful that she's here, because the emotional support she's providing through her presence and company is really refreshing.

So that's it for now, I have a feeling more blog posts will be on the way. Rightfully so, this is my place of emptying. Yes, this is The Vault.

Weary Christmas, Seasons Sneezings

2011-12-24T19:56:00.001-05:00

Lemme post this quickly. My father was diagnosed with pneumonia, but took a bad turn with his health and was admitted to a heart monitoring floor for dangerously high blood pressures and heart failure. My mother -- on the same day, was rushed into emergency surgery for something else.

And I was 4 hours away and 4 hours behind in the news notifications. I was scared, but waited until Friday night to leave work midshift and drive into the darkness to be home with my mom. She sounded strong, but I know her and her strength is both short lived and and not very solid.

Today I saw my dad and had a very honest conversation with him about how my sister desires a relationship with him but he keeps rejecting her. I cried.

And he cried.

It was hard to watch a grown man who prides himself on physical strength and determination to break down and cry as he was faced with his own mortality.

He'd come to terms with the stark fact-- he could have died yesterday. Now he needs to preserve and continue on in good health. I took my mother to her appt, then to see my father and she nearly broke down when she looked my father. He's alive (praise GOD) and up, eating, walking, talking and all of that.

My sister is on the way (traveling around 7 - 8 hours via car) to visit my father, and --really, because I need her help. I cant bare this (emotional load) alone. I can tell you one thing: the prayers, texts, tweets and support that I've received from my friends has been tremendously encouraging. It's true, how you never know who cares about you until you're down.

Praise God.

Dream: Storm and Airplanes

2011-12-21T11:17:00.001-05:00

Woke up from a dream this morning where a friend's husband and their children and I walked over to a grassy field with a body of water to take pictures. The sky became dark blue with dark gray streaks of clouds and I cancelled the photoshoot -- told the friends husband that we had to leave (with urgency). At that time I looked up and saw three airplanes overhead: a large commercial jet that got caught in a storm swirl and fell slowly on it's left wing as if it wasnt able to regain its proper flying position. But that one fell far off in the distance in the middle of the water. Gasps could be heard.

At the same time a medium sized plan spiraled down (nose first) behind a line of trees. And off to the left a smaller plane, caught in the same whirlwind, jet stream lost power and seemingly descended down on its belly - but somehow ended upsides down. Those ppl were alive as they emerged from the water and sat along the shoreline. Ppl began to shout and cheer in disbelief and excitement.

One of the groups of ppl there were some friends (at the time) from my high school time, who would not be likely to be speaking to me now -- either from years of awkward silence and division or from a shameful past. (I know that's what keeps me from reconnecting to ppl from that part of my life). An usually in these dreams that awkwardness is still present but not this time. We werent all buddy buddy, but he had a conversation without the awkward "Why are we speaking" undertone.

We, the family with the children and I, left the field with a sunny sky and I trying to ride an ATV.

God save my dad

2011-12-19T15:48:00.001-05:00

I'm gonna post this quickly .... But long story short my dad is in poor health -- happened relatively quickly over the course of a week requiring two urgent care visits and at one point the expectation of some bad news: heart, lung, or cancer with a short life expectancy.

Come to find out its a complex pneumonia but I feel as if this touch with mortality is enough to open his eyes. During this time my only prayer... The only thing I knew to pray for was: may he come to know You. And whether he does or not is not up to me. And that's not a cop out its the truth. I pray that God gets the word out and that he accepts it. But what he's doing now is not working (alternative woo woo religion).

So that is my prayer and in the meanwhile in so thankful for another day of peace from God. And some good news.

Selah

Realized Just How Fortunate...

2011-12-16T16:24:00.000-05:00

Over the course of the past 3 days, I've got to say that I've really realized just how fortunate I am, and how much God has really done in the last 7 years.

I realized this after some anonymous christmas gifting for two 2.5 yr old children, and then again today when I was able to help a colleague clean out her children's storage shed to "re-gift" for an additional family.

I realized this when I stopped hating the town that I'm in and realized that I've got more things going on in a season than most ppl do over a lifetime.

I realized this when I realized that God is not to blame for me being in this region, but in fact, it was an answer to a very desperate prayer, a gateway to a new life and a fresh start. God, I am so grateful #Selah.

I realized this when I started having dreams that were meant to alert me as a warning for the need for protection from things I could not see with the natural eye, but were lurking in the shadows. His protection is wonderful.

I realized this when I look at the bills that I've been paying for the stuff I've accumulated to be able to do some things that I would have never been able to do had I remained in my hometown. God, I give you the glory.

I realized this when I look at the people that I've met over the past 6 weeks, months....YEARS, and how I am just one call (in many cases) away from someone powerful enough to make things happen.

In frustration, I hated being stuck, but I've realized that this truly has been preparation for the future, that no thing (nothing) has been lost, but all things do work out towards a greater purpose.

I realized that I blamed God for not giving me what I thought was important, (a boyfriend-husband-kids) but I realized that what He's given me is immeasurable to my desires and yet he still allows me to be a part of that scenario in someone else's life.

And with all sincerity I can say from my heart that God is awesome; and He knows what He's doing. And I realized that once I was able to appreciate him in the little ways he'd open up a door, send someone to help, block a potential disaster and just show himself strong (as the church folks say) in the small bits of the day. It's the small whispers that mean the most. And when I realized that He IS with me, I no longer fear(ed).

So my soul is at rest, living the verses he gave me at the start of this journey: Gen 12 (Leave your home) and Jer 29 (Go, build tents, eat fruits from the land, become a part of the community to which I have sent you and you shall prosper as the town prospers. Pray for it, and it's people and you shall see change.)

#Selah

Revealing Dreams

2011-12-15T20:50:00.002-05:00

Had a couple of dreams shortly after the Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse that were really odd and strange, but when I sat down with them I'd realized the meaning behind them and it's purpose: to prepare me.

I'm thankful for God's guidance, -- so that I am not blown away, but prepared. #Selah

Not feeling Christmas, but big on giving ...

2011-12-07T12:06:00.001-05:00

I dunno but when it comes to partaking in these Christmas festivities -- I ain't feeling it. Ive never been one I do something just because everyone else is doing it. So I'm not moved by these Xmas sales and promotions, I'll buy or who I want whenever I want to thank you. (Laughs) But seriously I felt so good to be able to buy christmas gifts for two toddlers today -- toddlers who's only wish were for a ball and a book. Really? Their names were submitted by an organization that provides therapy for these children -- and other resources. These kids are living in homes that may not have electricity next month or food for all the kids. So meeting their need is a blessing-- to give. Truly.

Two yr olds need hope. In a world where tragedy is more common than triumph I know they are gonna be so excited to open up gifts sent aside for them with their names on it. Just imagine it! Someone knows my name! They didn't forget me! Someone recognizes me, and I matter. That is the kind of joy that children should know.

I stood there in line at the store in humbled admiration for God as he allowed me to be a part of another child's story.

Selah.

A Bit Nostalgic

2011-11-28T17:27:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today, mostly thinking back to a time with friends and laughter -- not in the midst of sorrow, but in the midst of stepping deeper into existing territory.

I'm thankful, in so many ways for the opportunities that I've had and for the new avenues that are developing now, (in a broad sense of life, career, personal development, growth in Christ, getting with God, etc). I was driving today -- actually I was walking to my car in the rain when it was like I almost heard God say to me, "Why are you trying to close doors that I have opened? If you feel like there's no progress being made, stand there in my open doorway, but get your hand off the knob (as if to pull it shut)"

I have to smile at that one.

I was frustrated at job number two today so I left early (no one was scheduled today) and got a massage. Felt better (physically) after that, but really didnt experience a great sense of relief until I spoke with the company's owner about my perception on small office dynamics. After that, I felt better - - and my nostrils cleared up. And my hoarseness is gone too. Sickness and stress are like kissing cousins. (Umm, maybe I shouldnt use that phrasing in this region ;o)

Nonetheless, he heard me, affirmed and confirmed some things -- tactfully, and I'm glad we talked about it. Actually, the owner initiated the talk and that says alot about his character and his business-sense.

You know what? The Devil can really cause you to doubt yourself -- cause you to trip your own self up in the midst of a blessing. That dirty dog....(well, actually...I like dogs)...*Scratch that*....

That FILTHY RAT.

In other news, big business developments are taking place as I type -- a long time prayer for this city (Jer 29) and I'm thrilled. Plus I ran into a guy today who (though he was raised here) confirmed and spoke out loud that this area has been run by "Old money for too long, and those of us who wanna see change will speak up about it." Besides, the biggest point was "those with old money are dying off" (Good point).

So read it and weep, the powers that be, the Good Ole Boy's are coming down.

A Beginning from an end; an end of seasons

2011-11-26T09:42:00.001-05:00

I've decided in my heart today that I'm gonna fold up my side business; go back to make it a hobby of enjoyment.

Next big decision?

Continue with Second Job? Or resume school studies.

For GIVING thanks

2011-11-24T20:43:00.001-05:00

Today is thanksgiving, nothing deep to post, just a log of today's events. I stopped over at a friend's house - ate, got sleepy then drove off to another family's house and sat with them for a while. Lesson learned, more is required of me -- more being PRESENT rather than in attendance.

I am feeling encouraged though, because I was able to exercise a very special gift that God has given me (as a youth) and God confirmed his word for this lady. Felt really good about that, not for my glory, but because it made sense for her.

I was (on the other hand) rather disappointed at the intensity of hatred expressed for a popular TV minister by a friend today. In the midst of discussing missionary work in India -- and how the US version of the Gospel has been so perverted with, "Get god and he'll give you all your (material riches and...) needs", I shared that when dealing with citizens of the 3rd World, that the gospel must go unadulterated: The Hope in Jesus. You cant tell me that you're gonna go over there, lay your hand on the shoulder of a young child sleeping in a train station and say, "Get saved, God will give you a house" to a child who sniffs glue to starve off hunger pangs.

Thats all for tonight -- I'm calling it an early night. Work starts in the morning. Tata Fam.

Having my last cry

2011-11-19T14:28:00.001-05:00

- God answered my deepest questions today, brought me to tears. Gave me peace about the recent breakup and resolve about not being at that imaginary place I want to be at; How can I raise children and I still have anger? How can I want to pour into other lives when I'm empty, running on fumes? How can I ... How can I... How can I?

So... Here we are, in search of a weekly small group to attend, for relationships.

I spent some time with the family and friends I used to be very close with and it was nice. Because I was relaxed, really too tired for charades -- but I stopped to think- what if I were open, honest and transparent with them? I dunno if I can handle that.

- What I learned: is that God gives us a gameplay for our live and it's in his word.
So I'm sitting in my car outside of a Christian event, I am having my last cry about this.

...After hearing two quick-group sessions;

...After hearing examples and testimonies;

...After realizing that I need to let this go;

I am having my last cry.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough in some areas of my life when I'm "too good" (skilled) in other areas.

I walked out of the session with a single tear drop, only to sob in the car. I'm tired of not ever feeling feminine enough to attract the type of man that I believe I want -- an issue that is holding up my process and progress in having a family. So I'm letting it go. Trying to, let go of this feeling, trying to believe what God says about his creation through his word and yet trying not to "let go" of the dream.

Trying..
to let go
Having..
my last cry

The Id's Pursuit of Idolatry (as it relates to the ego)

2011-11-17T23:02:00.001-05:00

As my ego goes forth, trying to find ways to find an appropriate balance between the Id's primary wants and societies standards (the Superego/Rule enforcer) I find that what I've what I've done is set myself up for perpetual failure -- the spinning of wheels if you will. My wants, my desires, my frequent tantrums of unmet needs are really reflections of idolatrous wants. *Gasp* Yes I said it; and yes it makes sense because ....

..it's true.

My constant yearning for a boyfriend is a desperate need to receive and feel love. My desire to have children is real, but also based on a yearning to look and appear 'normal'. (At this age, I should be married with children, however since I don't have this things (object affection), I've allowed my own personal self-esteem, worth and value be drug down by the idea of this supposed imagined marker of success.

Idolatry.

And God doesn't play that. So maybe that's why God hasnt given me what I've desired -- a bf, more fuel added to the raging inferno of, "want, want, want, need, need, need...." The truth is, it's not a need, its an intense want driven by fears and insecurity of what I think would make me appear as normal. But what about Jesus? What about God? What is it that He says about me? And how much of that will I receive and apply into my own life?

I read something so interesting this morning; a passage out of today's Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for His Highest":

God’s revelation of Himself to me is influenced by my character, not by God’s character.

’Tis because I am ordinary,
Thy ways so often look ordinary to me.

God! This rang out of loud as a bell of truth for me. I view God, and his ability to respond and provide for me, as I do the same -- for others. (Eph 4:32) Be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven you. So as I harbor feelings of distrust towards Gods, I imagine that he is not trustworthy. And as I continue to strive for His love, His love remains unobtainable. So the root has been exposed -- called out into the light. So just as it was when Jesus saw the withered fig tree, I declare "That which does not produce GOOD fruit, health and Godliness, must wither up and die, never to produce again." (An appropriately applied transliteration of the parable of the barren fig tree.)

Intro to Id, Ego and Superego

2011-11-17T22:25:00.001-05:00

Somehow I stumbled into the function of the ego, so I did some reading in hopes of finding out how it works and I was surprised to find that was really helpful in answering some of the more "internal" questions that I had.

In summary, the Id is the internal instinctual wants and desires that the mind hopes to satisfy -- similarly to how Paul mentioned that he "does the things that he knows not to do." (Romans 7:15). The superego functions as the police officer of the consciousness. It is the authority. It embraces the rules, the letter of the law if you would, and prohibits the Id from running around like a ruthless, undisciplined child.

This is the area that stores all the rules, regulations and boundaries of societal and religious norms. And somewhere in the middle between the drive to satisfy all the instinctual desires/urges and the pressures of "Do-not...Do-not....Do-not" lies the ego, a function that helps us interact and be a part of the larger whole: IE society, and personal interactions. Now here is the funny part. The ego is an image --that is, not based on reality. It is formed by the praises (or criticisms) of your primary caregiver. (That is why most ppl who are egotistical have HUGELY over-inflated egos with supreme confidence) -- and the people who live outside of their brains, [members of the general public] cannot 'see' their supremeness; we see their true value- which is rarely extraordinary. Inversely, people who are often bullied, putdown or told that they are worthless, lazy, good-for-nothings absorb this ugliness and continue to believe it in spite of the truth.

The point is, the ego is false. It is merely a belief of oneself obtained through the channels of people's actions, words and interactions with you (coupled with influences from the media's portrayal of gender roles and sex). And if people could embrace their true "self" the Christ in you, given to us by the shedding of the blood of Jesus; crucified upon the cross, then there wouldn't be some much internal conflict and havoc.

Lemme know what you're thinking on this: The next post addresses Idolatry.

Id, Ego, Superego, Frustrations and Fatigue

2011-11-17T00:13:00.001-05:00

I've got a really good post coming up on the ego, id and superego. Finally the pieces are coming together. In other news, someone tried to play me for a sucker at work -- did something devious and then got her gaggle of geese around the proverbial water cooler and spun her web. I walked up on it and was hurt. And today, I was pushed around again by someone different I wasnt gonna have it. Screw that. I stood up for myself, and you know what happened? Retaliation was the name of the game buddy. I guess they thought they'd "show me" but - *shakes head* I just kept on counting the hours.

Really I think that I was allowed to experience the frustrations of yesterday to humble me, and prevent my mouth and emotions from taking me somewhere that I can't compete with.

There's alot of stuff going on, sky of changes and transitions that are happening with staff and administration and it's best I get the hint now -- mouth shut, eyes forward than to ruin something divine in its appointed time. With that perspective and outlook I guess it really doesn't matter who says what and what their perspective is -I need to do me, and make these hours count.

...And talking about hours, these 80 hour work weeks are getting long, so I need to get to bed for an early start in the morning.

Haven't you been here before? #ReFuel

2011-11-10T11:41:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine replied to the last post with, "I'm not trying to be funny, but haven't you been here before." Indeed I have in some ways; still frustrated with the lack of opportunities here, still angered by racial relations and dipsarities, and simple pre-judgements based on the color of one's skins, and the debt thing. (See: A Time to Lament)

The debt thing will take care of it's self, -- this I know. Ive pretty much accepted that my money vanished as a result of continuing in that sinful relationship. Well, continuing in the relationship with that guy -- who was obviously not who he "appeared to be". (See to date, or not to date) And so I've gotten my hand slapped, and that's that. Time to recover.

On another note, I did mention that I've got a real need to feel loved -- or, inversely a really hard time feeling unloved. And really I figured out that the reason why I run headfirst into busyness -- is to be around ppl -- I miss that. I miss being around large masses of ppl. This may sound cheesy, but sometimes I just go to the malls and large venues to to be a part of the hustle and the noise of people. (On a side note: I'm looking at Houston, TX: Big buildings, a multitude of races and skin colors, and medical resources. Gotta plan a trip there to see it face to face.) I realized that having this second job puts me before more people and into the public, but does not satisfy my desire to receive. I'm giving -- more, and having to give to my co-workers too. There's no chances of refueling. And I need that.

Sunday school was so good for me this past week because it involved being a part of a group, and learning about God. I tried to read the bible myself last night and gave up after a few verses. What's missing..is the small group. I need more interaction. Only then am I healthy.

Just call me "Sour"journer Truth

2011-11-09T15:43:00.001-05:00

I just left a very "haughty" meeting in which another black woman looked at the braided twists in my hair like I'd just set the Black race back 120 years =0/

I'm irritated.

I just read a blog posting by a pretty well known pastor who decided to give up on ministry and relocate his whole family to the other end of the United States. He had such fervor but because of constant questioning of his salary, travel agendas and other ministry related decisions he decided to step down from his position in the light of another pastor's death/suspected overdose.

The blog posting goes on to say that that he (the pastor who passed away) was a broken man who was rescued by God and then came back to rescue others - but then became so entrapped by his own pain that he filled it with busyness - more speaking, more traveling, more engagements; it sounds familiar. I've got the equivalent of two full time jobs and trying to be available in my small business adventures. Some ppl would think it s ludicrous -- but I will be damned if I'm gonna be lonely, drowning in debt (regular monthly responsibilities) and laying around to think about this stuff.

This Sunday the Sunday school lesson was on Ecclesiastes and the study went deeper than just - strain and gains are pointless; it actually talked about the ends to these pursuits - we all get old, we all pass away and die. But when you hide that pain in the midst of activity - and hence burnout- that only leads to disaster.

Living in Guilt

2011-11-06T15:13:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the time change, I was actually able to make it to Sunday school and church service this morning -- both equally refreshing. Afterwards I had a heart to heart talk with a lady who I consider a dear friend, and someone who I know will be honest with me. We talked for about 30 minutes and closed it with prayer. She encouraged me to get into reading the bible again and align my thoughts up with what God and Christ have said.

I realized today during my drive to church that I'm living with guilt -- not so much regrets, but guilt. Logically I know there's no condemnation with Christ, but I still have a very real sense of guilt that I'm aware of.

I shared my frustrations, about being alone, about not really having alot of ppl to feel connected with; then later had a similar conversation with my sister. I walked into a restaurant and ran into 7 of my friends (whom I've not seen in months) and 4 more on another section. The conclusion to that story is -- we all acknowledged the need to get together and catch up.

Funny how those things happen. Ironic I guess. Onto tonight's lesson: God's Timing 101.

The Vault: Do I look gay in this?

2011-11-05T21:44:00.002-04:00

I took some self-portrait headshots tonight, and before uploading them I had to scrutinize them for any signs of implied gayness. Yes, I said it, but more than that, that's something I deal with on a regular basis. Call it paranoia or whatever, but I am continually afraid of that.

I was daddy's favorite growing up until -- I got a sibling...then he had two children. LOL. But seriously, growing up my father always called me his "only son." It didnt help that I was raised in a neighborhood of all boys, and then helped my father build things in the home. Later, much later when my mother got sick, I had no maternal figure to "round out" the edges and help me priss. I was active in sports, and as we all know -- that in itself seems to be a breeding ground for same sex attraction. And let me say that I do not, nor have I ever desired to be with a female -- but the daddy rejection, sports, and school bullying didnt help matters.

I bloomed late. Got pretty on my own. Learned makeup and all that stuff after high school and so I (continually) feel behind in the times. Low-self-esteem and other factors make it easy for me to hide out in jeans -- I am in no way a model. (Nah - not me). So I feel like I have to work extra hard at being danty. (PS...I'm not danty). I'm that girl that if she were to come out -- no one would be surprised. (Like Queen Latifah). But that's not what I desire. I want to be held and loved, and in a married relationship with a man. And the longer I wait, (or do without rather) the more bitter and hard-hearted I become.

I worry, alot. That what ppl see -- or assume -- could be true, but it's not. Am I in denial? Which way is up? And how is Jesus gonna help me with this one? Ppl say I have an inner beauty, but that don't get dates.

In this next season, I gotta work on me. Internally. (I guess)...and get rid of the invisible strings that hold me back. I can only get so far before I'm caught in a spiderweb of issues and slung back a few feet.

This is my story: The Vault.

The Tank

2011-11-05T20:51:00.004-04:00

I almost tanked this blog today. I was so determined to come home, write a couple of posts and delete the whole thing -- 942 entries written over the course of 7 years -- gone in one keystroke. Later I realized that there's an upcoming Christian event that I said I'd volunteer for and it got me to thinking about the recent stress and temptations that's come my way this week. (Same old Devil). So I'm gonna hold off on any major decisions regarding cancelling this blog; but the truth is I've not been on fire, or really inspiring for a long long time. I got to thinking today about why singleness is so 'painful' for me, not in a "I'm alone" sense, but in the way that it reminds me that I'm unloved -- in a sense.

I drove for 6 hours today -- just leisurely driving across the state with no real destination in mind and listened to a bunch of Christian radio today. Some of the songs fit well into my current mindframe -- others produced a tone of "everythings alright, cuz I got Jesus, and He's got me, so I can go on..." Like I said before ...not every day's gonna be a Michael W. Smith church movement.

I talked with someone about music production yesterday -- felt inspired. Then thought about how it had nothing to do with church and wondered -- where is the joy that once filled my heart when discussing church? Has church life become an addiction where one must fill up and refuel often to survive? This is one of the rare weekends that I'm actually off on a Sunday, and so I'll be attending my home church (the church where my membership lies) and I hope to God that the worship is right this week. (I'm just being honest). And talking about being honest, I was once told to be honest with God, because he knows -- it all basically -- anyway. And so today I drove and spoke with him, told him that I was glad that he was with me during the time that I was dating "lover boy' -- but now that I'm single again -- it's awfully hard to ...I dunno. Whatever or however the conversation ended in the car -- I felt a sense of "okayness' because I'd expressed what I had to express, and I felt like God heard what I had to say.

*Looks down at Keyboard*

So, the point of this post is to say that I want to increase my level of transparency -- let out the thoughts I"m thinking, but without whining about it. Most of the inner turmoil that I create for myself comes as a result of holding too much in, and not letting all that junk out. So here we go -- welcome to: The Vault.

Can't win it all

2011-11-02T00:15:00.001-04:00

The study that I did last night didn't help much today. In fact most of today has more minor frustrations than previous days.

I did have an excellent chat with Mark today. Got alot off my chest.

I figured out or rediscovered my hopes for raising children of some sort one day. And if not my own ill go rogue and get my own version of the rainbow coalition like Angelina Jolie. Seriously I considered going overseas to be a part of raising children somewhere.

Gal & Eph 1

2011-11-01T09:31:00.002-04:00

Read Galatians 1 and Ephesians 1 last night before bed. Trying to get back to the word. Been hearing indicators on being obedient. Read some Christ centered stuff in there. Cool.

James 4:2 You Want, But You Do Not Obtain....

2011-10-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

James 4:2 NIV: You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.

Not much religiousity going on with me, so no recent blog postings. I figured that God's given me the strength to do, and so I'm gonna do.

Been forcing myself to go to a weekly bible study - -which has been good in one sense because it's spirit filled and I enjoy that component of teaching, but still very much afraid of the, "Those who are in touch with the Spirit will know my sins" syndrome. With that said, I've not been attending my main (Sunday morning) church because of various other appt's that I've had, and -- my lack of connecting with the worship music there. So it makes it easy to not miss it. The flip side to that is that I (was) yearning for some (churchy) connection, and now -- not so much. Better off being active in things that's gonna produce results for my immediate and short-term goals.

Despite my "I'm gonna do me" blog posting tone, I am very thankful for the turning tides, the second job, the networking connections and the career advancements. Things seem to revolve on an "ebb and flow" sort of deal. Career, career, career, hobby, hobby, hobby, travel, travel, travel, (maybe a short stent in romance) then back to Career and business creation. *Shrug* We cant have it all right? What I want, I cannot obtain, so I cease to want it any longer. New thought, new direction - forward march. I used to get all emotionallly wrapped up in worrying about missing my calling, or a blessing or "God's destiny for me." But the more concerned I get about that the more stumble to my knees. To be honest, I really dont know what major role God is supposed to play in anyone's life - especially mine.

Received a Blessing

2011-10-13T22:19:00.001-04:00

Caught up with a friend tonight who invited me to their bible study during which the speaker made a very good point: When Jesus was faced with that fig tree -- the spoke to it, AND gave instructions on what it should do.

So no longer is it just acceptable to just "speak to the mountain" Speak and say what? But you must tell it what it should do....HMMM Food for thought.

Hours after that, my mother and I were speaking on the phone and she spoke life into my financial situation, -- then called herself saying "and it is so cuz that came down from on high..." LOL A few years ago, she wouldnt wanna hear about Jesus, and now she watches and applies the teachings of Joel Osteen weekly.

Good times.

Brief Update: Back on Top

2011-10-07T17:32:00.002-04:00

Ok, so -- since last post, I dumped that last dude, took up my staff and walked... -- actually I took time to fast and move fwd. New economic resources are opening up, as I dredge fwd into new territory (Dredge...doesnt that word give you the idea of me dragging military boots through a muddy forest? -- But indeed, that's kinda what it's been like). Things are clicking -- Proud of myself in alot of ways. (Personally, Mentally, Emotionally).

Spoke to over 150 students today -- encouraged them about the job market. Scheduled some overttime for me -- working tomorrow afternoon. Picked up some side gigs for $$, and interviewed for a position this afternoon.

The tide is changing.

Looking around -- seeing that often times, everything you need is -- right there for you. Sometimes you gotta seek and find it, other times, it's hidden behind something you had not considered. Either way -- it's there for you.

Enough proverbial talk for this evening.

Tata Fam

Spent

2011-09-27T22:07:00.001-04:00

I've spent more time engaging, supporting and wallowing in hatred, heartache and negativity than I'd like to in the past week or so.

Time for a new start, new week and new leaf.

I'm spent.

To Date, or Not to Date -- that is the question

2011-09-27T18:34:00.000-04:00

So lemme summarize what took place last Thursday night. I sent an encouraging email to my boyfriend who read it, flipped out, talked smack about the email on twitter and sent me a watered down response to it. Then got back on twitter -- said some things, crushed my mention of "I love you." (as in a salutation -- not as a --- lets make babies). (Behind the scenes, he knew how I felt about him weeks before -- so the ILY was not a surprise so much as it was a, 'why did you choose to put it in an email for the first time."

So he had his bitch-fit. (Literally). And as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only one allowed to wear the panties in this relationship.

But now, after 4.5 days of the "I'm-ignoring-you, no-text-calls-response-silent-treatment" I'm done. My friends, however say we need to talk. Well, some say we need to talk; others say, cut that dude loose and then another portion says, dont be so quick to end it.

Unequally yoked:

The whole thing to me is childish, and I see, now, that I've awakened a sleeping giant -- something I didnt know was there. So the ultimate question is: What next? As far as I'm concerned, I dont care what kind of time out you need, send ME an update. (Ex. Still mad, not talking to you). Sounds petty, but that is what I desire. But since the silent treatment, I got a text last night asking, "how are you.?" Perhaps he's come down from his pissivity and is checking to see where I am with things.

I will not reinforce bad behavior:

I wont.

I will NOT reinforce bad behaviors. Months later I'd hate to look back and say, "Hey guess what? I'm making excuses for this crap...". Whatever I felt for him, then -- was real and sincere. And now, he's dead to me. (Not in a dramatic way, in a -- I felt nothing after that.) Lost of respect? Maybe. Wake up call? Perhaps. But today, I realize that I dont "feel" for him, I "fear" him. I grew up in a household of rage, and abuse and man on woman violence, so my rational is if this is his response for something innocently mentioned -- what's really beneath the surface? And Is this his way of dealing with things?

Skeletons in the closet:

We all have skeletons in the closet -- no not the, "I killed someone" secret that you dont want anyone to know -- more like the, "its in the past" sort of thing. The difference between he and I is this, I've come thru it, and he forgets about it -- so when I stumbled into the closet and he heard the rattling of bones it launched him into a whole new level of whatever that was. His mention of "deja vu" made me think that this has happened before....so logically, this is a long standing issue for you. And if you go from place to place, person to person and the same sort of thing keeps happening, it cant be them. But, again I guess you could just ignore them, stuff it down and hope the next explosion doesnt take out innocent bystanders. (#EmotionalImmaturity #Rage.)

So that's where I am, I'd hate to stick around and he turn around and hurt or dump me when this was his hissy fit. And...really, I'd hate to stick around thinking it's been so good, and I could miss out on something great. But then again, maybe this is his chance to realize he's got an issue. Or not, (Shoot, I find that more times than none, people are fine with themselves and their modes of operation). My decision is for me, and my life, my safety, and my peace of ~~mind~~ heart.

Freedom

2011-09-27T14:47:00.001-04:00

The lord just spoke a word into My heart. Freedom

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

2011-09-23T21:26:00.002-04:00

Today was a great day. Put boyfriend on silent -- on social networking feed; out of sight, out of mind. Got 3 new contacts today, and 2 new contracts. Plus was busy all day with marketing and promotions. Best day I've had in a long time.

Out of sight, out of mind.

True in my life.

TimeOut

2011-09-22T19:30:00.003-04:00

Where's the TimeOut Button? Man, I made a fool out of myself tonight -- Cant do anything now but start again.

But then again, what I did was an innocent mistake -- what he continued to do -- criticize and publish my private email on a social network and humiliate me -- that's another story.

8 years in Christ today

2011-09-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

Basking in the memories of my original date of baptism; exploring the seasons had with Christ. *Slight grin, adoring Christ*

Breath of life

2011-09-17T10:43:00.001-04:00

I realized my true desire this morning. The thing that drives me. TRAVEL

As I Oscillate [Goals]

2011-09-15T13:56:00.002-04:00

So, as I oscillate between being the sweet church girl (outward appearance) and the sinister B* inside, I thought to myself that I ought to find a better sense of balance -- not so "accepting" of things, and yet, not so hardcore either. The previous day's rant was a mixture of PMS and pills to increase my metabolism -- in an effort to get thinner to be more "appealing" to JT. Weight loss is his goal, not mine. I shouldnt have taken that upon myself. And though he's mentioned quite a few times his liking for women such as Beyonce, Sanaa Lathan and all things lightskinned and skinny -- that aint me. (Well, the rail thin skinny part). But then again, my "Ideal man" is tall, slender and athletic and damn if he isn't short thick and .. (Alright, I'm not gonna make any reference to balls here...) but the point is, my goal is health...

And while talking about goals, you know that I've often oscillated between Christianity and the Buddhist lifestyle, finally giving up the pursuit of Buddhism, but now I find myself at the proverbial fork in the road: what asset or resource am I gonna use in the every day walk of life? I know that Jesus has done a work on the cross for my eternal salvation. And God has chosen to not recall my past, but who or what is helping me on my day to day walk?

Now I bet this is the part where you all chime in with, "the Holy Spirit", but what I'm seeking is the application part. Not just the "You're with me" part. The bible is good to talk about what's to come, and what's happened, and who God is. But.....(stutters...) ...Uhh....I'm looking for more of the proverbial kinda - life - lessons - in - a - quote kinda thing. I know God keeps it simple for us to read and know, and yet still deep in mysteries, but I dont feel like I should have go thru 40 minutes of intercessory practices just to prepare myself for the H.S., or to figure out how to apply this stuff to my life.

In alot of ways I can look back and see how life was easier before receiving Salvation -- and I dont regret that at all - especially as I approach the dawn of my 8th year of being baptized. What I'm saying is, being unsaved (I'm not even sure that's grammatically correct) --- [Let's start again]..... What I'm saying is, before I came into the understanding of God and his ways, rules and laws, etc... I had no consciousness of his principles, and no fear of messing up. There was cause without effect. Of course we all live within the legal structures of society, Dont steal, kill, etc. But then, back then, I could make a decision and not fear and feel like my entire life and God given direction hung on one single move. Some of the best and boldest and craziest (good crazy-est) times have occured during the, "set my eyes on the prize" and go moments. Now, I've been taught that I gotta sit on butt in sack clothe and ashes, toss two stones in the air, wait for a gust of wind to scatter my pebbles and guide me onto a path that I may not want but I'm gonna have to do. (Again, I'm back to this Sick love affair with God).

I know He is a healer, a counselor -- (and I say with hesitation) ...a friend. And every time I get into reading the bible I always land on the "gloom and doom" part of the Old Testament. WHAT?? Yes, every day is not gonna be a Michael W. Smith -Your Love Is Amazing type of day, but where is the "encouraging, take this with you, use this and set your mind on this" portion that I can read and rest with. You see this....THIS...is where I get lured away. Other "systems" may not address eternal salvation, and that's fine. Am I saved? Yes. (Check!). Ok Spiritual side of my life is covered. Who's helping me with the physical, emotional and mental aspects of living?

*Listens for the silence....* Yes, I'm waiting.

I read on twitter where someone said that it's sad when God is not your everything. My everything? What is he doing about this situation? Or that situation? Or this physical thing? I really feel like he's up there busy with the principalities of this earth -- He did what he wanted regarding eternal salvation -- that was his intended plan and it's set into motion. But my everything? Am I to imagine that he is my ham sandwich when I'm hungry? Or am I supposed to deny my mind of the sensation of hunger to reach some esoteric connection with Him? Oh, no -- I get it. I should do first, and then let him do. Or am I supposed to do, now, cuz he's already done? Which is it? And which one brings results?

So, my current mode of operation is specific goal setting. It seems like when you focus on the things you want with intensity and desire, things line up for it to come to you. [Long story short] I've seen it happen, I've witnessed it in my own life and I've experienced it first hand. So that's where I'm at -- that's where I'm living: In the land of in-between. God has done his part, probably all he's ever gonna do from beginning to end -- things are set up and in motion -- spinning like the proverbial gerbil wheel (No I really dont believe that, but that was a good visualization wasnt it).

Now entering the church of Oprah Winfrey and Will Smith Wisdom Quotes.....(nah, I really dont like Oprah all that much, but the chick's got some money =0/. I guess what I'm after is results. Things that work. No more horse and pony rides. Thinking happy thoughts wont do it, but fire and desire will. I figured out that goal setting needs to be specific and inclusive, meaning, I'm not chasing after a bunch of cash -- when what I want is the experience of traveling to green mountain countries. Why break my back for "more" money when my current stash is falling out the tail end? What I gotta do is -- get my mind right, in order and on track. Which scripture was that one again? (Sarcasm).

Looking at my bills, I know now what I need to focus on -- Full Student Loan Payoff/Cancellation. *nodding in agreement*

A long drive

2011-09-14T12:17:00.001-04:00

Going for a long drive to clear my mind.

... Driving crying singing worship music, heart pierced by lyrics.... And Chewing mcdonalds.

What a Mess.

Decided in my heart that some prosper. And others prosper in different ways. Better to feel trapped than to make a stupid move and stay here. (OASN I was looking at a home purchase before my money ran dry) if that was your msg God I got it.

I guess I ought to return to my Jonah Moment

Egypt Dream

2011-09-14T10:58:00.001-04:00

Dreamt that I took a trip to the shores of Egypt -- facing the crystal blue waters, watching the choppy waves. It was breathtaking.

Any cues here?

A Time to Lament

2011-09-14T00:53:00.002-04:00

You know what? I'm pretty freaking tired of being surrounded by death. Young adults too lazy to work. Suffering and excuses. Poverty and racism. Separatism and a lack of opportunity. Every where I look, I see the death in this region.

I crave life and living, and SOO badly want out of this area. Jer 29:11 came to mind to me earlier last week: Settle down and build houses in this area, plant food and eat from the land; take spouses and pray for the welfare of the land and I (the LORD) will increase you as I increase the land.

Damn, screw all of that.

There's a nationwide recession in the land - And I do admit that "they" say that this area is one of the less affected ones -- but that speaks to the err of statistical data. Yes, this area is less affected by the economic downturn because it was never a major player to begin with. This area has taken a slight decline (marginally) compared to bigger, larger, more glamourous cities. And yet, I look and I see lack. And I suffer too.

$9.67.

That is what is left in my main bank account until the NEXT pay period. Should I be discouraged at the gains of others? Should I be concerned with the activities of others? No. Am I? Yes.

Patience -- is slothfulness. Why am I gonna sit down and wait any longer? What am I waiting for? Com'mon now. This is ridiculous. Lemme ask you a question? If a desired object is obtained through less than moral means does that taint the object? *Stares into the screen* (Seriously, I need an answer to that). Cash spends the same way doesnt it? My hard-earned back breaking cash is accepted at the same vendor selling a loaf of bread as the party promoter who sells liquor at a mark up right? Perhaps removing my conscious will remove the pseudo-guilt that I might feel if I go on with this next thing. Illegal? No, what what's done in the dark -- will have to remain there, because times is hard and I'm not up for waiting.

Never seen the righteous forsaken? What about taking up your cross and suffering as Jesus suffered? Though his suffering was persecution --- I do believe he was not short in his supply. (Thank you, that my bills are paid, with exactly 9.67 to get me to work to be broke again).

Damn, I could see if I was living like a baller...like outside of my means. I'm paying my bills -- and broke. Rent, insurance, student loans, etc. Not house, mortgage, boat, vacation home etc.

There is a time for everything right? A time to sit, and a time to stand; a time to wait and a time to make shit happen.

Yeah, thats what's really on my heart right now.

A lack of funds is a reminder that in some area of my life, I"m not measuring up. And not to with the Proverbial Jones. To my own measure and standard of living. And it's just enough to cause distance and irritation in my life because I feel less than adequate about this. It's bad enough that I gotta be "the right kinda woman" for JT. (Another one of those "me-enforced-rules"). I'm really about to act up and go back to being a hard ass - faking the funk is too much work.

My life is very much segmented: Life and happiness, Church and connectivity to ppl, Wealth and resources, Family, Work and Playtime. Those are the key areas in my life. And when one sinks, that's alright, two sink -- its enough to get my attention and the old record player begins: "You're not enough...You dont have enough....and You need to go out and get it on your own" But I cant. I cant do any more to get further.... No, that's a lie. My own self-imposed restrictions and "so-called" boundaries keep me in check.

There is a time for everything right?

Time's a wasting. Time to sacrifice what I hold dear for what I do not have.

Feeling vs. Being

2011-09-13T23:39:00.001-04:00

I'm learning what it means to not "feel" the highs of being in a relationship. Today's lunch date was -- eating, and casual chatter, not a bunch of romantic, gush and mush.

Kinda makes me think about what ppl have said in the past about our relationship with God; you can't base your feelings of connectivity to the truth of your relationship with God.

Been dreaming like crazy: Brown and Betrayed

2011-09-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

I've been having some pretty heavy duty dreams just packed with all sorts of subliminal hints. Check out this one I had Friday night.

That night I had a dream where I was exiting work and a guy in a brown t-shirt with an oxygen tube in his nose started walking behind me really quickly. I walked faster and so did he. When I picked up the pace, he through a metal knife at me that hit the ground and I began to run screaming for help on my iphone. I was talking to my father -- screaming for help and running into the light(ed part of the parking lot).

The next day, I'd started watching for my safety.

The next night I dreamt that I ran into BBG, my ex-boyfriend who was dressed in all blue like a gangster -- who also was (suggested to be a superstar now). And I walked along my path, I passed him standing still and he looked at me, all flashy and said, "You aint shit." All before my sister and I went into a pawn shop to play electric guitars as the cops chased someone down for stealing. Then my sister and I went to a basketball game where I snuck my dog in via duffle bag - only to get bit by a mouse and turned into a snake. Betrayal is on the way, or someone in my immediate circle does not have good intentions.

Today I dreamt that a friend was overwhelmed by the care of her newborn so she came over to review her picture proofs and took a nap with her month old baby as it rained. My dog was there. As it rained it began to leak from the ceiling into a wetspot on the carpet but I didn't care. Somehow I was (then) in
Charleston with a service group doing a bonding activity with some strangers. One girl had a horse she rented to ride and I had a bike. She was trying to impress the crowd by jumping over objects but when she tried to jump over the pile of snow she and the horse both fell and she injured her ankle. The horse ran off twds the beach and we all were stuck in the parking lot. The group's leader took my bike to find the horse and I ran into some Geechie men, smiling and playing music and partying in the parking lot. It was summer.

I bumped into something and looked down and saw there were ocean creatures on a wooden dock pole that looked like white venus fly traps. It was then that I noticed that I had snaillike creatures on my left leg--- stuck to me and I wanted to pry them off. But I saw the horse, so I didnt mess with them. I was scared of him and he of I so I approached him carefully and he knelt down before me on all four leg. I tugged on his reigns for him to stand up but he didn't have the mouth bit just a set of string attached to his back (and a blue flag) and it was like I was communicating to him thru my mind. I wanted to ride him back but I was scared to so we walked side by side in the parking lot until I woke up from the dream.

I'm mixed on this interpretation -- I kinda feel like overall, it's got alot of elements of being refreshed and renewed with grace and forgiveness; and freedom from hesitation. AND with confirmation about success and the direction I'm heading with a hint that a malicious plan has been set against me (white fly traps, but they dont bite me--) That with the snails (slowing down) on my left leg (my passions), but not wasting time to remove it, instead being determined to finish the plan.

Moreso tho, most of the dream really goes back to reaching that next level spiritually, emotionally, and physically -- which I'm glad about [expanding and reaching those next levels] without being haughty (walking with the horse that bows, not ON it).

(Side note) What if JT is the horse -- leading him not with a harsh bit, but gently with a string, alongside of him. (not riding him -- we're ALL ADULTS HERE), not yet, not time. IDK. I cant yet tell if he's the horse or the betrayer...(Just keeping it honest). All things considered, I'm still moving fwd - being made more aware about what I need to do to go fwd with the plans of God in my life. Life doesnt stop because you've met someone who's special to you. (Can I get a Hallelujah!?!)

Being present but absent in the home

2011-09-01T22:29:00.000-04:00

> Talked with my father today who said he saw a young toddler get tired and laid across her fathers lap in the surgical waiting room at the hospital as my mother was wheeled to recovery
>
> He said he had a moment to reflect on he choices he made and regrets not being there as I grew up tho he was present in the house he was absent from our lives.
>
> He spoke about his father was a disciplinarian and how he wasn't raised in a family structure -- all he knew was how to fight and how to not get beaten to a pulp by his own father. And as he watches history repeat itself: his brother and sister not talking with each other, kids not close to father he is remorseful.
>
> Now during this outpouring of confessions I could have been like YES you weren't there... But that's not what I felt in my heart. I've been long thru forgiving him whether he admitted it or not. Tonight was a bonus, a gift from God to hear him express himself and share what was on his heart. He said that he missed me, and he realized that he'd missed all the important milestones that my sister and I went thru even the school events, basketball games etc. Because he chose to distance himself from the family. He was a police officer so given his upbringing it was a way that he could continue to function in that do as I say mode and remain in that angry role.
>
> I experienced such peace when listening to him tonight, and in that was able to tell him that I appreciated him sharing what was on his heart and as far as I'm concerned he did what he did, based on what he knew at the time; so we can look into the past, consider the present and then move to the future -- having learned whAt we've learned and be changed.
>
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When God Gives Rest..

2011-09-01T06:10:00.000-04:00

I love the timelessness of God. I went to bed at 1:30am had a few dreams and when I woke up for the morning I grabbed my phone and looked; it was 4am and I was completely refreshed.

During my sleep hours I'd dreamt about a house that I saw yesterday. It's in pre-foreclosure status and a friends husband took me around to go look at it. It was nice. And so as I slept I could feel myself reaching out into the air waving and orchestrating something --IDK if it was me painting or moving things. Then I was number crunching in my sleep and finally my friend's little daughter was in the dream stretching her hands out twds the sky saying' "Dear God, please let her have that house." and even if that's not how it turns out, it certainly was a sweet and sincere touching moment.

Before waking up, I heard the LORD tell me, "It's time to heal."

At 4:30 my phone chimed and it was JT, texting that he'd had a bad dream and his body felt weird. I texted him back and we talked for a while this morning, just long enough for him to talk about the dream and get settled again. It's not too often that he needs some support so I took that opportunity to give him my undivided attention and hear him out. It's moments like this that build and strengthen our bonds. And I know -- without him saying it, though he probably will say something later -- that that means alot to him; he's not used to that. He's a giver.

... And I'm a giver too, but as he gives I receive and when he needs, I encourage and he is strengthened. See, that's the difference between female to female friendships and female to male relationships. You cant coddle your men, you should build up, but my girlfriends??? We all take a moment to join in with the injustice that's been done, then we direct each other how to go. Ladies, you cant, nor should you try to direct your men. They aren't looking for advice, they wanna know that you still see them as strong and capable. And when he feels empowered he is ready to take on the world. But when he thinks that you see him as weak, they'll self destruct every time.

Wow. Well that post went in a totally different direction than I thought it would. Must've needed to be said. Gnight ppl.

And tata fam!

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Alright... What's going on? [These tears that burn]

2011-08-28T20:25:00.002-04:00

I want. Yes. I want.
I want more from life. I'm bored.
That's pretty vague I know but I want more. Lusting. That's what it is. Filling a void I'm sure.
Todays obsession was about wanting to leave here, in search for a new place/city. Tonight, it's all minor irritations about gaining material things. Tomorrow, I'll be signing up for extra shifts for $$$. Yep, pretty much adding 2-3 shifts a paycheck. And what happened to trusting God?
...Yeah
Strive, strive, strive, earn and strain.

-----

Update: talked, cried, received counsel with a friend; then talked, shared, and cried somemore with JT and ...can see the forest from the trees. Trust is hard, waiting to receive the promise is even --tougher when there's feelings involved. I guess thats why we need faith.

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Had a dream...["I know"]

2011-08-27T08:59:00.000-04:00

At 816 this morning I woke up from a dream, reached over for my telephone and called a friend. She was crying, ... In the dream.

The dream took place at work and the social worker who used to work in the dept that I worked in (too at the time - who has since left for another job) came up a hallway, looked me in the eye and started tearing up. I nodded silently and the tears continued to stream down her face, overwhelmed and embarrassed she turned away from me reached into a desk drawer, grabbed a box of tissues and said, "I'm crying, I'm crying" [meaning: "I'm hurting, I'm hurting"] Nodding continuously I replied, "I know, I know...", got up from my chair, completely leaving the conversation that I was involved with, and walked towards her with opened arms. She never said another word.

She tucked her head down, tearfully and weakened, and put her head on my shoulder (which was a feat in itself because she's 5-6 inches taller than I am) and continued to sob. I rubbed her back as she cried and lead her twds a closed office so she could (talk or let it out). I was so anxious to find out what was wrong that I immediately woke up from the dream, grabbed my phone and called her. Come to find out - there's a legitimate reason for her tears, and she's been crying for some time now.

Isn't that awesome how God can put someone on your heart or mind, or in your dreams and when you reach out twds them -- there is a reason! I hadn't heard from, saw, called or spoke to this woman in over 4 months. She was a bit of an inspiration when we worked together. In fact there were only three of us who connected enough to endure the havoc that took place there. She, having kids MY age, was the only other Christian believer there and on occasion was a sounding board for me when I had some dark days. It was nice to be able to return the favor - albeit thru an act of compassion in a dream.

We are gonna meet up on day - nothing scheduled, but one day. Can't wait to catch up.

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Rediscovering Love...

2011-08-26T09:17:00.000-04:00

J.T's (returned to college after getting his BSc) and attends classes three times a week, on top of working (full time) 3 times a week -- so little has to be said that this dude's schedule -- is busy. I knew he was getting overwhelmed with the amount of school work and assignments that he had (as do all college students in the first part of the semester) so I been more mindful about calling late, and keeping him awake -- because I totally remember what it was like working full time and going to school full time -- I had NO social life, and I remember having to make a choice between eating, sleeping and showering (and sometimes sleeping beat them all out so I cant imagine what it would have been like to have to maintain a relationship too) So I caught him on his lunch break and spent some time with him in between classes. I know that's special for him. His love language is DEFINETLY spending time together.... I mean, when I tell you it's TV off, holding hands and just being together -- its just that. Me, I've got an iphone in one hand, TV on/remote in the other hand, and sitting with him trying to plan somethign to do...LOL. (Obviously, our internal ideas of "relaxing" are different.

Everytime I'm with him, I laugh...because I've always watched Joyce Meyers TV broadcast and seen how fiesty and lively she is, and how calm her husband is. JT, he grounds me, he has an inner strength that's still, and quiet. Yesterday he held me close on the couch, and I told him that I wanted to tell him something. He heard me, I mean, he listened replied and continued on like he was returning back to life -- already in progress. He's sweet (that's a girlie word), kind and compassionate -- and I imagine it comes from a deep place. It's not a matter of him overcompensating, or trying to willfully prove himself or make himself valuable -- it's who he is. It's healthy, and it's been healing for me.

When I look at him, I see, very much, a man. Not a male who I wanna play sports with...LOL, I see a "man". And I like that he naturally takes charge, leads the way -- he doesnt pressure me into anything and he's got a great sense of..patience and endurance. I've been very open about my childhood, experiences, and in some areas -- a lack of experience and so has he -- and in that not a single moment of judgement. (Wow).

With every step or unsureness on my part, I go to God. I talk to Him and ask him to show me, guide me, bring things into the light for me, and you know what? He does, and he shows me, and it's like he's building me up, laying over new layers of love ontop of the broken places he's healed; and it's so good. Still a little nervous about somethings, but I can bring that nervousness to the LORD and he reassures me. And I can be open and honest with JT because he's got that understanding.

I'm still taking it slow, waiting for the 91st day. (You know psychologists say that a person can only pretend to be a certain way for 90 days, after that the human psyche cannot hold up the falsehood any longer...) [yeah, that's me trying to be cautious...but i really dont mean that...]

That's my update for today. Gonna get some things taken care of in a moment. Hope your friday is a happy and healthy one.

Have Your way in my desires, (Music and Missionaries)

2011-08-23T01:48:00.000-04:00

After sometime of really seeking the plan of god for this season of my life and going thru a "cleanse" sort to speak I'm glad that I have three clear objectives to work on, but I'll only be mentioning two of the three here tonight.

The first one is about supporting a missionary who has moved away from home and seminary to work IN the mission field for a year. I remember some of the best prosperous yrs were the ones where my money returned to support the Kingdom of God and the spread of the gospel. Unfortunately sending funds to 1-800 numbers and post card evangelists just seem a little bit ... I dunno what the word is, but more like a fundraising effort than an actual supplement. This missionary -- however -- I know --and I know that the stipend that she'll receive is slim, to say the least. But Thank god for that. I know he can multiply it.

I'm sure she's gonna put up a fight about it too-- she's modest and humble, but I'm gonna keep writing them until I hear otherwise. (it's a good cause to sow into the Kingdom)

To be dreadfully honest I have not been as faithful as I should with my tithes, partially because of my work/paycheck/church attendance schedules being out of sync, and then getting hit with some unexpected dental bills. That's no excuse though because (at the time) I had some funds stashed away in savings and other accounts. Now, :laughs: things are very slim on my end financially with savings accounts on 0.00 and bank accounts in the double digits (xx.00). So the moral of THAT story is: even when I got socked with unexpected incidental bills, I should have still paid those tithes or pulled that amount out of savings. This is gonna take MONTHS to recover from, and last weeks lost day at work isn't gonna help the situation. :shrug: I do have a roof over my head, utilities and gas in the car -- I'll be alright until things get back in the black.

I said I wouldn't mention the third thing, which is in fact the FIRST thing, but the first directive was to encourage that young man that I posted about a few posts ago. Encouragement is NOT about being someone's superbowl cheerleader, but it's about truly building them up with words and speaking life into their existence -- all without sounding like a televangelist. It's about pureness of heart while listening to their stories, hearing what they say and what is left unsaid. It is a gift, and I like to see ppl flower out of their stuck place and into their being.

With that said, I can tell something is going on inside his head right now. I can't tell what it is and I really doing care. If it's meant for me to know I will know in due time. And if not :shrug: ..... Whatever. I know I've got a healing going on inside of me right bow as we speak. Coming out of a place today when fear wanted to creep up on me and make me second guess IF I was worthy of receiving love -- playing an old tune that no longer exists in my life anymore. :exhale: I'm so glad to have received Gods gift of healing in that area.

The third thing that God spoke to me about was about getting back to a heart of worship. I used to be a Christian radio listener only but after a few diversions into the land of Nicki Minaj (google it) my heart is not as readily accessible to Christ right now.

Two days ago I listened to a podcast that reminded me of the days when I attended small group bible studies in a member's home and listen to the Passion Band, Michael W. smith and all the acoustic dudes. Looking over at my own guitar, I know that I'm supposed to get back into learning the guitar chords, practicing and playing worship music -- for myself. I'm not saying I'm gonna be up there like Israel Houghton, what I am saying is that I need a way to escape the cares of this world, and get in tuned to the presence of God. Just like that young man needs to seek God and get "thru" his moment of stuckness, I need to do what I need to do to touch the hem of His garment.

So there are things in the works, strings that need to be tied, and love to be spread around the world -- ok maybe that last part was cheesy. But I'm more aware of my need to speak Godly things, positive things, and stop this defeat-ous mindset that I am surrounded by everyday. I NEVER used to be this way. And it's gotta end today.

Upwards and Onwards!

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Sometimes...

2011-08-23T01:47:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the people who are closest to you are the ones dealing with the same things you are.

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A good work...

2011-08-23T01:06:00.000-04:00

(A moment of praise:)

Thank you God for performing a good work....

... More to come on music, men, missionaries, and ministries.

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Healing Revealed

2011-08-19T01:09:00.000-04:00

After planning a whole afternoon of activities, my boyfriend -- yes I said it....finally said he didnt care what we did at what hour, he just wanted to spend time with me. DUH! Lightbulb moment. The value of quality time doesnt have to be jammed packed with activities -- so we spent about an hour at my house chit-chatting about TV shows and what not. I apologized because I felt like I was much entertainment and shared with him how heavy my heart had been. Firstly because of the conversation I had with mother, and secondly, -- and I was honest, because I told him that there was a part of me, approx. 30% that felt like we'd probably be used to heal the broken parts of our lives, and then go on our merry way. He laughed, smirked, said something ..but mainly heard me out.

Later on in the evening, we had dinner and saw a movie, that gripped and tore my heart into bits and pieces with scenes and themes of such unbelievable hatred, that I (literallly) left the theater sobbing hysterically. I mean, I couldnt even drive home, I handed him the keys and walked to the car. He heard me out, my frustrations and talked with me until I calmed down. That's love. Well, it's caring. (After 7 weeks, it may be too early to call it love, but I did almost slip up and mention the L word twice last week).

Carefully going forward, I dont have any red flags, or nagging thoughts concerning much of anything. Just learning how to give and receive.

Disappointment...

2011-08-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

I spoke to my mother today, who just so happened to remind me that my two year contract has expired -- and has wondered if I've considered moving (presumptively -- closer to her and my father). I told her the truth, yes, I've been thinking about it more and more lately; I'm happy in my current position, but looking to move to a bigger city -- NOT ALONG THE EAST COAST. (So ultimately I'm no longer considering moving to their city). In my heart I spoke out - 'you want me to consider you in my future when you didnt consider me when you took yourself off the kidney transplant list, you made your decision and I'm making mine.'

You know I thought that I was past the bitterness, the anger and the sadness -- and I am -- past the sadness part, but apparently, much more prayer is needed on this situation.

We all need someone to feel connected with

2011-08-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

He told me something tonight that knocked the wind out of me -- something so painful in his past that I... couldn't imagine, actually --- it explains so much of what I see in his eyes in his eyes, and his hesitation. :nods slowly:

Now I understand. :says softly:, yeah... :pause:... I understand.

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Longevity

2011-08-16T04:02:00.000-04:00

I heard the word "Longevity" while walking with my dog last night, which made me think about the longevity of this current relationship.

Yeah, this guy has a crush on me, but how "deep" is this love? Could this be a here today - gone tomorrow deal? Part of me wonders how much of this is him having fun being with someone who allows him the freedom to be him(self) and how much of this is truly a romantic interest.

I'm sure that I'll know it soon enough. My mother always said, " it all comes out in the rinse cycle" and it does (an analogy similar to watching the dirt reveal it's self in a washing machine).

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Alright God...[Quiet Time]

2011-08-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

"Alright God, You've given me eyes to see, what do I do with him now?"

"Encourage him"

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Passion? Focus? And Drive?

2011-08-14T15:10:00.001-04:00

I cried in church today as Pastor preached a message about forsaking everything to follow Jesus. This isnt something new that I've heard today, nor is it a new concept, but it was a message that pricked my heart and caused me to feel something today as we read and worshiped in church today.

God has been pulling at me lately to elevate, to rise higher, and go deeper in my walk with him. Not in the Christian Cliche kinda way, but in the actual -- getting back to service, prayer, faith building activities that bring me closer to him. I know he's near me, but somehow I began to imagine God as a big man, far away, busy sorting thru boxes of stuff in heaven, turning his ear to me only as I call for him. Yes, he is quick to answer, but focused on the trinkettes in his box. Maybe I projected my own dealings onto Him and then assumed that's how he's been treating me.

I know God is good, but I neglected to be mindful about the fact that he wants to be involved in my day. To be honest, I've been too busy trying to keep my head above water with learning work skills, work's schedules, wrapping up photography projects and trying to keep everything going. I got to the point today that I started to get defensive with the WORD as it was preached. God wants me to choose this day, which master I'm gonna serve, Him or the World, but I dont know how Jesus is gonna get me that iPad if I'm sitting on my butt reading the bible. *Pause*. No, I really dont believe what I just wrote, because I know that there was a time where I maintained my intimacy with God and all the christian deeds and things were truly taken care of in my life. But right now, I dont feel like I'm having a Michael W. Smith moment, or that "I can sing of your love forever." I'm still in the clutches of walking out this earthly life.

The last few posts that I posted was about a young man that I was dating. And, to catch you up on speed, I'm still dating. We talked, in great depths about my suspicions about his sexuality and I was satisified by his answers. I've watched his consistency, he opened up about some very personal and private things, and in all honesty -- he's a good friend to have around. We talk, spend time together, he cares for me and I for him. And I hate to sound like one of 'those' girls who get wrapped up into a man just because he shows some interest in her, but I'm really at this point to where 90% of what I desire is in this guy, and what we have together, so far, as we build a foundation of friendship has been good and healthy. [I mean, lets be real, it's only been 6 weeks -- that's a drop in the bucket of time]. What bothers me a bit is the fear that some of my more "foundational believing Christian" friends will try to give me advice on what "I need to do" with this guy -- because of my suspicious sexuality thing. As far as I see it, nobody's perfect, or gonna have it 100% together - (and there is a part of me that wants to call that a cop out) but after days of praying he's still around, and our relationship is growing. No red flags that I'm not willing to deal with.

Really, there's a part of me that wants to see this thing play out to completion. Who knows? Maybe some ppl are brought together to restore faith (once again) in humanity....it wouldnt be the first time I've been (used) in that way again. And really, I can say that this "healing and growing" has been good for both of us, equally; and that's a good thing.

And so here it comes, back to following Jesus, something that IS a full-time life choice. One that, might I add, has lead to some very lonely nights and isolating moments. So here I am, forced (sort to speak) to choose a life with Jesus as the mainline of my life (and the fear of more lonely, separatist living - which may or maynot be a reality) or, continue to strive, push and struggle alone. Whatever it is that I choose, I've got more time to think about it. I know what I have to choose, and by that I mean I know what I want to choose -- and thats to draw nearer to God. But on the same token I dont know what it takes to go forward with him.

I have been feeling the pull to get back into midweek services, and serving the local church body. The problem is my 'local' church body is full of politics and a bunch of junk that I'd rather not be a part of. The church that I attend is about 30 minutes away via car, but the midweek services dont offer much in the manner of fellowship and thats really what I need. I've spent too much time alone, and away from the "body of Christ." but I dont wanna get sucked into a bunch of busy work just for the sake of 'companionship'.

And what do I tell others concerning my friend when I'm not 1000% sure about things. (Boyfriend/girlfriend) relationships is not my strong suit, so it's hard for me to be able to detail and describe what season is happening and whats coming along the river bend. Had this been school, education, weather patterns or human behaviors, I got that down packed, but this -- not so much. And so I'm going fwd in stride until it's clear to me. Vulnerable (but not intimidated) but going fwd.

I've been exploring -- no, not Buddha (Remember my previous attractions to that?) -- yoga. Partly because I want to be fit, lean and trim, but more accurately because I want to experience that still moment of peace and serenity that I've had before. Truth be known, I didnt get it from yoga, and in fact have never really been able to complete a yoga program because I always end up with nightmares and sleepless nights. (Must have something to do with opening up my spirit to all those different layers of the Universe.)

So I'm gonna be blogging most of this until I can empty my hands enough to reach up for His mission. Until then, I'm gonna *Shrug* Do something I guess until all of that makes sense.

Accepting the hard things

2011-08-13T00:45:00.000-04:00

I spoke to my mother while driving to Walmart tonight when she told me that she has decided to take herself off the kidney transplant list. It broke my heart because it means that she's no longer choosing and option that's gonna prolong her life but instead continue with dialysis - something that's merely a maintenance option.

She said she wants to do home dialysis because it would be easier for her schedule and all of that.... But I accept her choice and her decision for her life. I don't walk in her shoes, so I can't decide what's best. But I still couldnt help but to let silent tears fall from my eyes and I watched 8 years of hopes and prayers be cancelled with a single decision.

The background to this story is that she was in the running for a kidney -- waited 8 yrs and did all the presurgical testing and everything. All she's waiting for is a donor.

... that's how close she is.

But that's her choice and I'm at peace with it. At first I went from unbelief to anger to sadness in a matter of minutes. Now I'm at acceptance.

What a night.

[Mobile post]

Elevate

2011-08-12T04:00:00.001-04:00

Time to take it to a new level. Time to go higher. I had a talk with that young man, he disclosed some things in his past and I'm satisfied with where we are now. I haven't cut him off-- in fact he and I continue to talk and spend time together.

At this point I can say that God hasn't taken him from me, or closed any doors. :shrug: Maybe god has given grace for this situation -- and I'm proceeding carefully. Mainly cuz I'm not so good with knowing how relationships run, and because I made such a stink about my inkling about how roommate (Which was true... Which lead me to think that there could have been something in his past -- which there was but not in the way that it was with his housemate)... Anyway.... I'm more cautious now Bout sharing information because I don't wanna put my foot in my mouth.

Long story short - things are going well with him, he's kind and supportive, fun to hang around and we are building a firm foundational friendship.

As for me, I took a walk today and took time to give thanks to god for my health - after a week long battle of a mixture of nursing a headcold, cramps and fatigue. (Nice). And in that lesson I realized that there is alot to be thankful for, and lots to be repentant for too. I feel God callig me higher... And I trust that what's meant to be will be and will survive the fire. ( not to be passive about this-- I am continuing to pray about the different areas of my life) but I do know that I need to step it up and get back into serving in the church somehow, somewhere and get back into regular fellowship now that I've got a steady, predictable schedule.

That's it in a nutshell. Im looking fwd to stability and regularity. Its been a challenge adjusting to three different work schedules in the past 3 months. (With the hardest being the adjustment from the third shift back to the first- I'm still not totally with it, but I'm getting better.)

More later.

[Mobile Reply]

Brief Blurbs and updates

2011-08-08T00:42:00.000-04:00

Shortly after that last posting, I had a very long and full conversation with that dude in question and he let me into some of the things that's happened in his life. I can say that afterwards I was ok, like satisfied, with his answer, but since then, just pretty much designated him into the friend pile. (Mainly because I no longer have any romantic feelings for him /and/ cant see anything advancing past this point). Maybe,....just maybe this could be one of those, return back in a couple of years type of thing, but I dont really wanna be bothered anymore. (Really). I got my answers, we broke some really good ground in communicating, but like I said, I"m not interested anymore.

I'm gonna let it run it's course and soon, he too will realize this is going nowhere. I'm just getting in from work. Wasnt the best day ever, but its done with. Honestly, I just need a few days away by myself to recover from last week. (what a freaking week yall)!

But it's good to know that God still speaks, and moves and harkens to our cries. #AnotherLessonLearned

Problem Solved

2011-08-05T17:56:00.000-04:00

Signed onto a popular social networking website and seen that I've been removed as a friend. Lame, but glad to have resolution.

Ok guys, here it is.

2011-08-04T17:35:00.001-04:00

Dear Blog, I've never lied to you before, and I'm not gonna start now.

I'm dating a guy I suspect to could be gay. (There, I said it). I say suspect because I've got a nagging feeling that his housemate is gay -- or living a homosexual lifestyle. Now, I understand this is a controversal subject so I'm gonna tread lightly.

I realize that being gay is a label, but living a homosexual lifestyle is something else. It's much more complicated. There is an element of wanting to be loved and accepted, there's an element of having been rejected (parental, peers, whatever) -- Gosh, I cant believe I'm going back down this posting road again, last time I did, I got blasted out by some self-proclaimed sociologist with gay friends -- so that made him an expert *Smirk*. But I dunno. I'm not gonna go into the who's and whats of what lead me to that discovery about the roommate/housemate, but I'm thinking, ok. What straight man wants to live with a 'questionable' gay guy? So we had a long talk yesterday and there was no blatant obvious denial, only moments of extended "shock-ness..."

Ok, look, the conversation that I had was done with tact and mindfulness, and sensitivity, because if there was something in his past, that might be something that he was dealing with, but didnt want to disclose yet so close to the start of the relationship. I understand that there is a large amount of shame that's attached to that, and perhaps even one concerning molestation or whatever, but I didnt hear the complete "NOT GUILTY." Later he came over to my house and shared some other things, but I'm still not at peace with this. Yesterday I had the same nagging feeling that I did when I thought that my co-worker had that emotional instability -- and we all seen how that worked out.

Now, In my past, I've dated a guy, who was in a full-time same-sex relationship before me, (I guess during as it was his housemate) and after me. He has since gotten married, started his own church and has lead the way in that whole arena. To me, its a matter of deception. You're dating me, spending 13+ hours with me, and going home to cuddle with your housemate after you cook the food and he takes out the garbage? *shakes my head*

I got a character reference from a good friend who works with this "housemate" and he is suspected to be gay and so now, I'm back to putting this thing on pause until the truth comes out. I cant quench what God is showing me for my own protection. Otherwise, I would be a single mother of a son or daughter taking her to see her dad, explaining why he has a church and his own husband.

This morning I woke up from a dream where both he and I woke up in a hospital bed where I work but I let him get up and exit first and I hid under the covers for a while before sneaking out of the room, and past my co-workers, as not to be seen by anyone with him. *SMH*. Not a good sign.

I think at this point I'm gonna make myself slightly less unavailable and pray the "Oh God, please reveal and take him from me" prayer that is often so effective, yet painful. #Heartbreak. But I know that god knows wassup. And I've given ample opportunity to come clean about this. I cant tell if this is denial or deception. *SMH*.

All and all, it went well - Moving Fwd

2011-08-04T00:25:00.000-04:00

All and all the convo that I had today with the friend well, and we decided to move fwd. We cleared up alot of stuff, and my original question was answered. Later I was thanked for asking rather than assuming. =0)

I like that we can communicate -- even the hard stuff -- effectively, from the beginning. That's what makes a relationship work.

and oh, yeah, --this friend I've been talking about...

is a guy.
=0)

So I had my tough conversation

2011-08-03T19:19:00.002-04:00

...

So I had my tough conversation, and I did it tactfully. Never did get a direct answer, probably because there is a suspicion of guilt there, but the ball is in the other court. I served, just waiting on the rally back.

Heavy heart, empty hands

2011-08-03T00:17:00.001-04:00

I had to reach out and call my good friend to talk with him about some of the worry-some, weighty things that's (suddenly) nagging on my mind. For personal/confidential reasons, I wont get into what it's concerning, but I really need some clarity on this. I think I need to talk with this person about my questions, but I know doing that would be touching some very sensitive areas.

This week I've been standing in the gap for a friend in need of prayer, so I really cant hear God on my own situation, but this has (sort of) taken the wind out of my sails. I know something's up because I'm looking at joining yoga -- and almost checked out a book on the connection between Islam and Christianity. (It sounds funny, but given my history with trying to be a Zen-Buddhist-New-Age-Post-Modern Christian [ok, not that bad]...but kinda searching for other things when I feel the distance from God,,, I know something's up...something's amist...) Prayers are needed.

What a week!

2011-07-24T22:07:00.001-04:00

What a week, what a week!

Work was good, glad to have had some good shifts and feeling more comfortable in my job/role and responsibilities.

On a personal note, I reconnected with a guy who I used to work with and we've been text/talk and spending alot of time together lately. Last week he shared his interest in going to church with me (wow) and we met up today and had a good time. We rode together, sat and listened to the word -- then had lunch, and chilled after that. (So cute....) He said he liked me, found me to be 'different' but he liked that. Me as well. (My classic phrase that I use in real life). So things are looking VERY Good in that respects. 4 yr degree, job, and I've seen him around for 2 years. We like the same sort of music genre's from Dave Matthew's Band to Beyonce to Adele -- I mean, all over the place. *SMILES*

During church, I felt like I received a message from God -- kinda letting me know that I've missed my season of singing -- so I guess I'll just wait until the time and opportunity comes again. I also felt in my heart where the LORD is letting me know that I need to be a little more vulnerable- open- operating more from the heart, and the thought and risk of being vulnerable is ok.

Otherwise, I've been good. I need to get back to reading some of the gospels. I really enjoyed a message my pastor preached today on gifts and talents, but also how Jesus had a different love and task for both John and Peter -- and when the two of them bickered over who Jesus loved more, Jesus corrected them both by saying -- FOLLOW ME. (WOW). So I wanna go thru some of the NT stuff to gain some insight on how to navigate this newness that's before me.

THat is all peeps. I hope you're doing well on your end.

Currently experiencing peace...

2011-07-17T14:33:00.000-04:00

Currently experiencing peace and stillness within. Had a realization that when God is silent it's not because He's sitting in the clouds watching from afar, it's because he's WITHIN me, so close that we become one.

Cried a bit at church today, but thankful for friends who listen.

2011-07-10T20:50:00.001-04:00

I went to church needing inspiration, especially coming off a tough three week spin of busyness and the situation with my preceptor. And so I went and sat in the back, received a hug from a friend who could tell that something was bothering me, but I couldnt go into it -- I just asked that she would pray for me.

Moments later, the back door opened up and a woman who always shows up RIGHT on time, came through the door and sat beside me. I was relieved to see her and hugged her almost instantly. During the worship service, I cried, mostly tears that said, "I'm hurting inside God, and I want your direction". After the service I thanked her for her hug, told her I needed it and got into some of the rough parts of last week.

Strangely she kept asking me if this was about a co-worker, I told her, no it was hurt from a friend. This lady, she's sharp, but giving her that tidbit of information would have nailed the identity of who I was talking about, but nonetheless she heard me out and listened. And thats what I needed the most. There is something very refreshing, and renewing by just opening up and letting it out -- even if the person you're talking to doesnt have any or all of the answers. She heard me, and she saw my tears and she cared to stay and listen. I felt better afterwards because I'd decided that what I needed was direction. I feel as if I'm entering a season of reconstruction. Like, I've been building up twds something, that phase is done, but now there's a new era that I'm entering and I dunno what it's about, where it's leading or anything, I just know that it's here nad that it's begun. I'm not pressed for all the details of what it is and how it's gonna work out, because that in itself is fun and enjoyable in the Lord; seeking him, talking to him, and having him reveal the small bits day by day, or week by week. I used to struggle with him, but no longer. He says drop it, I drop it. Because I'm walking by faith, and faith in Him through experience and previous trials says, He does things for my good, he's always there, he's always faithful. And even if this (next season) is not giving me something that I've asked for, at least I know that it will propel me forward into the next lane that leads to the on-ramp of that decision. Yes, Lord, I trust you.

And so, after a (I guess 40) minute conversation, I felt good because we were connecting, one-to-another sharing life's experiences and that in itself was encouraging, not as a cheerleader cheers on a team, but from a stance of -- yeah, I see your dilemma, here's what I've encountered.

I'm so thankful for the fellowship of the Saints. I'm not into holy rollers who's gotta hack and spit and throw their neck back everytime you talk to them -- you can skip the performance. What I appreciate is the real-ness of the conversation. Good, bad, ugly?...It doesnt matter to me, I love and appreciate ppl for who they are. Everyone's gonna have their own character flaws, but I wanna deal with ppl who keep it real, not hide behind senseless personality games. That's what hurts (not literally), ....ok, that's what shocks me the most. It's unneccessary, but I get it. I get the defensive games. I get the 'how you're trying to protect yourself' because of past hurts, but this is now, and I know that there's nothing that I am willing to say or do to try to change that for anyone. Each one's healing takes time, and thats not something someone else can force or try to accelerate. I really dunno why I care in the first place. My role and responsibility is to present, maintain and enforce my boundaries, and not feel guilty about that. (and I dont). I just ...had a hard time this morning finding myself back at this place.

For some reason, God has given me a gift that draws wounded ppl twds me. (and I say they are drawn because I do not seek these ppl out), but with that comes with me encountering their insecurities, hurts, and their own woundedness -- which, more times than none equals them lashing out about something that's not really attached to the here and now, but more of the then and gone. To whom much is given, much is required, and though this was a powerful lesson, I'm seeking him to find the moral in this story

2011-07-09T11:40:00.002-04:00

Is starting to think that ppl's religion is merely the way that they view and interact with the world outside of themselves, rather than how they connect with each other. It is personal and unique; individual. I was hoodwinked by someone's humanity and I can't get over it. So the next person who tries to oversell their "Christianity" will be getting the peace sign. #deuces

(I feel the bitterness creeping in, following close behind unforgiveness.)

Finding grace for others

2011-07-08T05:28:00.000-04:00

I stopped by a friend's house last night and spoke with her about the thoughts and feelings I had concerning my mentor: MP, and I realized WHY I was so 'hurt' by her actions. I guess all of her cries of 'being a christian' and the shared love for the Lord became a shade for what was really underneath the surface. God protect me from my own humanity.

So lemme tell you what MY day was like...

2011-07-04T01:11:00.002-04:00

(Tonight was the first time in a long time that I wished that I'd had internet access where I was to blog live on the scene, but since I didnt, here's the play by play)

I went to work, got right into the flow of things for nearly 9 hours when a (VERY sick) person came in. Without getting into the details of all of that, I got him at the same time that I was supposed to let someone else go and so I called my MP for help to discharge the other one because I was going to have to (really) care for the new one when another person offered to help do that task for me. So me and MP go into the room, this person's sick, I'm already in my mind prioritizing what i need to do, the information I need to gather and my plan of action. This dude, sick - near death is getting on the cell phone. I explain that I need to start my care to help him out and his gf's getting in the way, there's a toddler running around so I jump onto the computer to save my care times (person's arrival, etc) and my MP looks at me and tells me that the information part can wait, I should be taking care of the person.

[Ok......] Already knowing that I start my care, he's squirming, the gf's giving me info that I dont care about and I need to get on with helping this guy, so I start with what I'm supposed to do, and MP comes around AGAIN and says something that made me feel like I didnt know what I was doing, or more like she thought, "This girl's an idiot." So I've got the stone cold face on now. She left, I started care, got 5 out of 5 tasks out of the way and she came back with some treatment options. I get it, start it and this guy gets BACK on the cell phone to call a friend. I look the guy in the face, tell me I NEED to start my stuff and he's gotta get off the phone. I move back to write down a time that I started some treatments and she views it as I'm letting him do what he wants when I need to be in there doing my care. So frustrated, she huffs off and disappears. Now I'm mad.

I do what I have to do, and someone gives me advanced orders for this guy so I look around -- and she's nowhere to be found so I resolve that she's unavailable, and I'm really not in the mood to be dealing with her, I need help, so I grab someone else, ask them what I should be thinking and doing, and come to find out -- I've done all that I can. I get new orders for a medication that is extremely life-changing (lets just say that) and having never mixed it or given it before, I grab the other lady again and she tells me how to get it done. After leaving the room, I go get my supplies and I'm upset at this point. And I'm looking to pull MP to the side after I give this medication when..... the door opens up, its the one lady and my MP. The one lady asks me if I was ok, and I just shook my head and when she asked me what was wrong the tears gates couldnt hold them back any longer.

The only thing I could say at that time, still focused on trying to get that medication was, "I'm angry right now." And she asked why and I shook my head, lips closed and then she asked if I was angry at her. I offered up a hard, "No." And kept on doing what I was supposed to be doing. My MP asked almost immediately, "Are you mad at me?" And I looked off to the side, nodded and said: Yes. She shot back and asked what for and I shook my head again and kept my mouth shut, but had it not been for the other lady who said, "I see you're upset, get this off your chest now..." I wouldnt have said another thing until after my person was taken care of.

I turned and looked her in the eye (MP) and went straight back to my hometown with that one: rapid speech, big words.... I Looked her in the eye and said, "You know, I've been doing good all day, doing my thing, handling my loads and the ONE time I ask you to help me with something, you come back with a lesson on how I need to prioritize myself. Look you dont know what i"m thinking. I may be smiling and laughing and but I'm not stupid, I actually have thoughts going ON in my brain you know." (Both standing there shocked and almost confused) MP said, "I know you're not dumb, you're one of the smartest ppl I know...etc, etc, etc...about how she brags on stuff, etc...." and so I said, "Yes, I know that" [knowing that she's feeding me stuff to answer my statement rather than seeing the whole situation]"...but why is it that you tell me that you're there if I need you and the ONE time I call you, you come to criticize my work? I feel like an idiot for even calling you for help.... And when I call you for help, its because I'm unfamiliar with this situation or medication or something, not because I dont have a brain cell working!"

(I continued with:) "Look, there are times that you may come to me and explain things to me for the 15th time. I respect you enough not to cut you off in front of a co-worker or a patient to say, I know that, or you told me already... I let you go on, but dont think cuz I'm pleasant that I'm passive, that I'm not listening. I got it."

Then she backed up, and the other lady offered some advice by saying how she knows what each of us is going through because she (not too long ago) had to cut her trainee loose and it's hard to try to cut the rope and let them fly on their own.....

(And OH BUDDY was I ready to answer that one).

I said, "I know that, and I know its difficult to know what to help with and what not to interfere with, but lets talk about Friday. Friday we had 6 patients in the area and I had 4. And the minute I get rid of one, another one is coming down the hallway......."

MP added, "It's gonna be days like that, and you'll.." And I finished her sentence with her, "learn how to multitask....yes I Know. That I'm cool with. But when I'm getting slammed with ppl and I look and they're just steadily coming, what then? When there's others here in the department too?"

The other lady grabbed my arms and said, "Oh God, if I did that to you the other day, I'm so sorry..." to which I replied, "No, I"m fine with (yesterday), Friday was hectic and when I talked to the head lady the next day, do you know what she told me? She told me, "Oh well I thought it was too much for you, I thought we'd just pile them up on you to get you used to handling that load...." [And that, I dont think either one of them in that room knew about...] So I continue with, "SO that's what's gonna be huh? Look I know things arent gonna be fair. I know we're gonna be busy, but what sense does that make huh? Trial by fire??? Is that what its gonna be like here? Ok, Ok! So if so, lemme tell you how IMMA handle it, I'mma come to work, treat my patients and keep it moving. Business as usual, thats it."

And by this time, MP is wwaaaaayyy across the room and saying, "Well I'm sorry, I'm sorry... "AND.... the door opens. All 3 of us look twds the door and the person walking in, walks out. And we start again, but then the door opens again and someone else walks back out. Finally the one lady decides she's gonna give the medicine and we (MP and I) continue to talk. By now, she's got this dazed look in her eyes, and she retreats hard. I move to another wall and she says, defensively, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should have never brought friendship into this....I told you I'd never had a friend before, and I probably wont ever have one after this....[she retreats into the corner and says,] I cant....no I cant go down that road..." and I can see her look down to the side, and cover her eyes as if she was holding the tears back.... and say something to the extent of me probably wanting to be in anticipation about my new schedule working opposite shifts from her.

...I didnt waste a single moment to say, "I'm not doing jumping jacks about that....I enjoy working with you... you're not hearing me, this is not personal, this is business. I respect you enough to have this conversation with you -- as friends. Yes, we're gonna have bumps in the road. Yes, we're not always gonna see eye to eye, but you get through it and over it...and...

"And...." (she added), "I do consider you a friend that I can trust. I told you last time about how I slipped up and said (those things that night about being doubtful about my preparedness) but I know that you've got this, but I've failed you. Apparently I didnt do a good job for you to be able to learn anything down here." [Tears fall from my eyes and I turn my face away]...."I Should have never told you any of that.."

(she continues...) "I never trained anyone before, and I think you're so smart, I told you that, but I failed you and I messed this all up." [as she sits down on a small stool, covers her eyes, buries her head and almost caves into the weight of that precise moment.]

Seeing that she was really affected by this I said back to her, "No. We needed to have that talk, just like we need to be having this one. Look, I still consider you a friend, I know you, but yet alot of the things that's been going on lately's got me wondering 'where is this coming from'? Look, the reason why I AM doing so well (in this new area) is because of you, because you've taken me around and showed me different things, and ran scenarios and all of that. That's what you've done, and that's why I'm as adjusted down here as I am. You've done that. "

[She looked up....I continue]

"And we are still friends...Look, lemme tell you something. The other weekend when I came in telling you that I had you and your family on my mind all weekend; the same weekend that you told me you spent most of the weekend talking about me -- I was praying for you that whole weekend... And I dont say that to boast about me, that's what the LORD has done, cuz I cant bless a damn bucket of chicken without the LORD's help... (she laughed, I continued) I'm not kidding, I'm not a prayer person, but that's where you are in my life, you're right there, do you hear me? You're in my heart, and I respect you."

She looks up, wrings her hands and says, "And maybe I have been too mean on you lately, I'm out of my medicines...." (so I'm thinking that hormone cream that keeps her from being menopausal.....) so I smile and said, "Oh the hormones?" And she says, "No my other medicines, Ive been out for 3 days (Fri, Sat, Sun...) and I cant find the bottle." I said, "Bottle, I thought it was a cream" and she admits, with a little bit of hesitancy that she's lost her anti-anxiety/depressant/mood stabilizer medication.

The lightbulb when on. There WAS something emotionally imbalanced there, probably as she was her medication levels were coming down. And it was at that point that the door opened again.

We exit, realizing 1. Other ppl are trying to work, and 2. No one's watching my people. So we go into an empty room and finish our conversation, but it's at that point that I really felt an extra sense of tenderness and understanding for her. Almost as if I stopped to think about how it must've been for her to be feel her inner emotions unraveling and trying to have this conversation, and yet try to keep up the appearance that everything was A-OKAY.

We finished up in another room, one more quiet and private with less disruptions and as we sat there both with the understanding of how I was feeling, what took place and how to move forward, I opened my mouth and said, "Alright, well let's pray" and I moved closer and held my hands out. She, however, sat there unwilling to the naked eye, but I think she was scared. I think she wasnt ready to let her guard down at that point. (And truly, I'm not taking this personal, I stood my ground, kept things in focus and pertinent) So I rolled across the room in my chair, crossed my arms and said, "Fine, I'll pray by myself", and had every intention of saying (some sort of) prayer to Jesus. She rolled her chair over to me and said, "No, wait, give me a hug...." (and maybe in her own little way, that was her way of testing if I was really as ok as I said I was with her...) And I hugged her, and she seemed relieved, more assured that I wasnt gonna never speak to her again; and I said, "And you're not a failure, so stop beating yourself up; You havent failed me and she laid her head down on my shoulder and she cried. Then I said, "Lets pray." And I offered my hands.

She gave me her hands, gripped them tight and I started with -- tears...(yes I'm a sap...):

"LORD, I thank you -- for this moment right here, right now. I dont understand it, and I give up understanding it, [more tears, shaky voice, lots of vulnerablity here], but I thank you for it, and I know that there will be something good that comes out of this here; in fact you said [and the scripture came back PERFECTLY at that time], 'All things work to the good for those who love the Lord and we love you [as Christians]'. Thats what YOUR word says, and I'm standing on it LORD. Heal us and and seal this moment in Jesus name, Amen."

And that was it.

That was the evening. Then the whole world and their sick people came in and I could barely get enough time to pee after that. I did, however, pull that other lady aside and thank her for what she said and did, and she checked on me to make sure that I was really alright. I told her I was and after a few short minutes - I was on the go again. After all of that, I had a clear conscious and a peace to go with it. The truth is, I should probably be getting on my way to my own shift shortly. I feel it coming. But it feels good to know that that level of discernment about the situation, and the wisdom on how to handle that situation was right there, right on point for that moment.

Remain Firm - It's Business as Usual

2011-07-03T01:10:00.001-04:00

"Remain firm in your ways" is the only thing I can think of right now as I post this. I left work last night frustrated because of the unfair load of work that I did yesterday. Out of 6 pts I had 4 every hour?!? That means that 5 other personnel sat idly by as I busted my hump and we weren't even busy.

But I was.

Today I came in opened my section and asked the head person to go a little bit easier today and that opened the door for communication.

She said she could tell I was getting frustrated and and with good reason -- because I was dumped on all day long. What was the reason? Because MP wanted to teach me a lesson about how to multitask. Umm...

No freaking thank you.

At no point am I willing to accept "tough love" as a method of teaching. I spoke my part and told the head lady what I'm feeling isn't personal but from this point on it'll be business as usual. That's all

Hours later my MP (my preceptor) came in and I was obviously withdrawn and to myself. She came in with this certain amount of chipperness, with an air of "I know what's going on, but I"m gonna pretend like I dont so I can get information." No, you're not gonna manipulate me into going down that road. You might not know me, but I've been trained well -- through the school of hard knocks and ppl with real personality disorders. I'm not going there again. But as I said, I think she'd already got the update on how I was feeling. So in a sh!t eating grin and tone she asked how my day was going and I said "Fine, I'mma make it, talked with the head lady and I've got a new view on things..." and left it like that. She turned and walked away with distain from my response and I went on about my business. I'd already posted before about how she'd made some statement about being unsure if I'd be able to keep up with the work load and how that all played out. Strike one - we'll call it a mistake, Strike two - you're out. This aint baseball baby and I'm not going back for more because this is becoming a pattern now. Thats right, "Team Two Strikes."

So I stayed to myself and by myself today. Later I could overhear her saying something about" god must really love her" (implying he brought this trial her way to teach her something). No, not everything's gotta be a big spiritual revelation. It is what it is. Like it or not there is something emotionally unstable there. I'm sorry to say this but we are not a good pair of ppl to strike up a friendship. I am consistent and do not tolerate betrayal and she sways from ppl pleasing to gift giving to win ppl's favor and good opinion of her and when I dont play into it, she feels rejected ... And shoot., I don't have time for that crap (and that's NOT what I wanted to write there)

Late yesterday evening I got criticized by an MD for doing something that I was required to do for the presenting situation. Then mocked for it. So today MP brings the situation up again to another coworker and I stood my ground. Yes I was upset. Call me out if I'm NOT doing my job. Don't chastise me for completing my duties as ordered. And hell nah, I'm not gonna back down because YOU feel like I should. No. You don't have that authority in my life. I was not in the wrong, and I'm not gonna back down. I will not be bridled. And (I think) she treats my gentle nature as if I'm not going to retain the information or something. Again, like I've said in the past, I'm not gonna stop and interrupt you if you're telling me something (For the 5th time -- something that I already KNOW how to do) in front of a patient, client or co-worker. I'm not gonna put her on the spot like that, but at the same time -- I'mma need her to stop telling me to "get thick skin" -- cuz you're not gonna like my "thick skin" attitudes, faces or interactions. You think today was bad -- being focused on the task at hand? You hadnt seen cut off yet.

So yes I'm smiley, and understanding, and extremely patient and I endure much, but not if it's a personal attack twds me. And I WILL NOT stand around to be walked on. [You did this] To teach me a lesson? That's as idiotic as the time that homeowner (who I rented a basement space) said that "the LORD told her to be mean to me for my good, because she knew that I was strong and I'd make it."

What??? I dunno what's worse-- believing that or having the courage to say that aloud to another human being. Look you wanna help me grow- nuture, dont set me up to be beat up and expect me to welcome it open arms.

So with that said, I let go of the ties that bind and let you float into the lake of your own desires. It's business as usual.

Today was a great day, when you're in your purpose

2011-06-29T00:30:00.000-04:00

Today started off by me going to bed at 2am, up at 6 and out the door by 715
I received a call from the camp I was headed to about a sick child. I pretty much looked at her, said she needed antibiotics and an ER visit. Lo and behold, that's what she needed. #NailedIT
Then it was delivery of coffee to the leaders, then camp from 745 until 615pm.
During that time I saw 10 kids with injuries, cramps and a near loss of consciousness. It was cool to be on standby for any and everything. Plus it was pretty cool to be able to look and deduce what the problem was. Plus provide education.
Lunch was good, but rushed. I ran across town to meet with someone for lunch, ended up getting there later than expected and not enjoying the time together. (I gotta stop trying to meet her needs of just hanging around. PS, this is a member of that family I mentioned previously)
After 615 I ran to rehearsals for worship band, got them situated, ate, took pics and helped with media.
730 I got a call about a sick staff member and had to take their small group.
10pm was Small groups and ended up being really good. though everyone else had a terrible time with their groups being rude and unresponsive. But that's glory to God. I'll have to share what happened tonight with the girls.
1130pm was back at camp housing for reeval of the staff member, plus an injured elbow. Then chatting with officials and leaders, telling them the update on who I saw/treated and hugs for all.
1229 - blogging this.
1230am, Headed to bed.

Ah, TOday was great...good to be filled with purpose.

Start with a Puff and End with a bang

2011-06-28T01:19:00.000-04:00

Today was awesome. It started out rough, but ended out great. EVERY little irritation that could go on at work...did. The computers were down, and when they werent' down the servers were down. Then it was little bits of missing supplies, all sorts of things. But I'll tell you...we just kept pressing on and doing what we could and the next thing you know, it was time for me to go home and I OFFERED to stay two extra hours. (actually, I offered to stay 30 more minutes, but I got rolling and I didnt get in until 1am). My poor puppy! Nearly had his paws crossed when I came in!

No, actually, he was awake in his bin looking at me like, "FINALLY! I never thought you'd get home...."

And So I'm thankful for a good day, and a chance to really be a part of a good team.

WHOOSH.

Off to Camp tomorrow.

What a day! WHOOSH!

2011-06-27T00:29:00.000-04:00

Here's the highlights of today.
Got up and actually made it to Sunday school on time - instead of creeping into the room 15 minutes after the roll has been taken. LOL
Enjoyed service.
Ran into the Worship Leader, got my hug from her (Bonus)
Called up a friend that I was thinking about -- who I'd not heard from in a long time and asked if she would meet me for lunch. She did and we caught up with each other's lives. That was special.
Drove quickly back to my home, picked up some stuff and got my hair done -- yes on a Sunday, because it was a hair emergency. LOL
Left there, drove to camp for a meeting.
Left there ate food.
Left there went back to Camp for more meetings.
Left there at 10pm.
(Lemme back up tho) During camp meet/greet and eat time I was able to bond -- truly bond with one of the leaders, and then encourage another one of them because ALREADY...things have been stolen, keys dont work and the staff (at the hosting facility) is acting very non-chalant about it. So we bind the works of the enemy because 500 girls are gonna come to know the Love and Truth about God and Jesus through worship, bible teaching and all sorts of good stuff.
PS, I'm pumped about this, but I'm finishing up my curry goat and rice for heading to bed.
PPS, I'm sore from my impromptu 30 minute run with the dog, basketball, run on the treadmill thing I did yesterday. (And walking 4 flights tonight) *Shakes my head* But I've gotta do something about my body, because I'm becoming quite Square...and not in the nerdy sense.

Well that is all.

More later.
Work tomorrow, then two full days of camp.
Love and appreciate you all.
Tata

Blessed to be a blessing!

2011-06-24T21:57:00.000-04:00

I shot a wedding tonight and had the pleasure of hiring a second photographer. YEP! Thats soo cool. Blessed to be a blessing. (Being an entrepreneur is not about getting rich, but about enabling other ppl and giving them an opportunity too.) Do you know how cool that is? To be able to give someone an opportunity to meet and pay their bills? To do what they love and make some revenue too? *Shakes head in unbelief...* This is SOO cool. This is a dream come true. *Honestly*

Connections...

2011-06-24T11:33:00.000-04:00

Never underestimate the value of connections. Case in point, I shot (photographed) students for a local college -- FOR FREE -- never once thought about seeking some kind of compensation (because I was more excited about the opportunity). Well lo and behold, this same woman -- the marketing manager for the college, was the very same woman to recommend me to another dude for an AWESOME business connection.

Now THAT'S wassup!

Do things out of the goodness of your heart, and it will come back to you. =0)

"So...I was just wondering....er...Are you Psychotic... or...?"

2011-06-23T00:05:00.001-04:00

Yes. I said it.

Said it out loud to my co-worker.

Lemme paint the picture for you.

Today was a great day. Day 3 of flying solo in my department and there came a point in time when something just didnt seem right. Actually, it was my MP. She introduced me to one of her daughters and she said, "....cuz you know I dont have any friends..." and her daughter pretty much looked at me like, "Uh...no...you dont.." And I got to thinking about what I said last night in my post. So later...about much later, I thought "ah, maybe I should bring it up..." But I left it alone and figured out that I'd do it when the time was right.

Well lo and behold, I entered the staff break room and who was there, but SHE! And so I said, "Hey, I want you to think about something and get back to me on this; but I"ve been thinking about what you said -- you not having any friends, and it got me wondering....why is that?" I continued on to say, "It's been my experience that there are usually one or two root causes to statements like that, and it's either 1: the person's got real bad trust issues; probably been burned by someone close to them, or hurt by their parents or 2: They're psychotic."

[Dead stop]..and then I continue with..."and if you are psychotic, that's ok.... I'll just have to make adjustments, So...think about it..and you can get back to me later on this."

And I kept fumbling through my locker. LOL. (True story). She answered quickly, that it was trust issues and said that she's got 'friends' but not the kind of friends you can call up at 2am and say, "I'm having a real bad time with life right now' and that that was the kinda friends she was talking about -- and considered me to be. (And I smiled and told her that was cool...) She continued with how it was hard to have that sit down chat the other morning (for breakfast) and she prayed about it and left it God and said, "Whatevers gonna be is gonna be," But she really didnt even wanna bring it up. I told her I figured her statements were trust related because I could tell how it bothered her that she thought she hurt my feelings (unbeknownst to me), and I could tell that it was very hard for her to speak openly from her heart like that -- you know with a sense of vulnerability. [Somehow during our chat later that day, -- before I said I'd received that message in love -- I could tell she was both scared she'd damaged our working relationship, and yet was relieved at the same time. Whatever it was that I saw that day -- I figured didnt have a whole lot to do with me making her feel like I was rejecting her but came from some previous panic of -- I'm gonna mess this up or something.

So I chuckled, thanked her for her honesty and kept moving. All things considered I'm glad we did talk about it yesterday because it would have been a horrible state to live in -- floating between fear of rejection and building up a defense system for someone who wasnt even mad at her.

I prayed with her today at the start of the shift, and then later for her in the hallway. There's something going on with her...something behind the scenes. I pray God paves the way. But either way, it is a lesson in reality and that is -- though a person may be awesome and excellent, they are in no way flaweless -- only God is perfect. So we're all human. *Shrug* No problem.

Yep, learning everyday, how to deal and interact rather than react -- from a place of woundedness. Good times, Good times

Guarding your tongue, and protecting your friendship

2011-06-21T00:47:00.000-04:00

My co-worker called me this morning so we met up before work and ate breakfast together. During that time she told me that she needed to tell me something that she'd said last night to (another co-worker about me) Before her unveiling of information, here's what I know: She said, (to me aloud) I dunno WHAT'S GOTTEN into you girl, but you're moving! (fast...and on task) Here's the information that she shared with me today.

She said that she and another woman were sitting around, and the other lady asked (my preceptor) how I was doing, and mentioned that I seemed to be 'not so confident' with a particular skill and continued with, "Do you think she's ready to be on her own?". My preceptor (MP) turned and said, "I dunno if she is, I mean, she's not confident with XYZ...." and went on and on and on.

Without getting into too many details of my job, and what I do, and the scenario.... I've been in training for7 weeks. And this had been my first day of doing this (WHOLE) job fully, without help, or assistance and I was doing a darn good job. Or so I thought so.... But isnt that like the devil to cause you to second guess what and how your doing?

So as I stare in amazement, lisetning to her pour our her heart about how bad she feels saying these things to me, I'm staring at her like, "REALLY?". And then she asked for forgiveness.

As far as I was concerned yesterday was my day to show my stuff. There are tons of things I've seen before, that I've not put my hands on, and that day had components of those skills...so YES, I'm gonna double check with you, MP while I'm in training so that I can build that confidence and skill set while I"m under orientation. I mean, I deal with ppl's lives...not computers. You know?

But during that whole, "unburdening of her heart" I sat there, thinking, "is that what you REALLY THINK?" So I came out with it: I really didnt know that you felt that way. And if you did feel that way, I'm surprised that you didnt tell me that you felt my performance was subpar, because the whole time that we've been together, its been nothing but compliments and cheers of 'how good I'm doing". And I know it's not just you saying I've been good, because other (staff) members have said things here or there, even down to the secretaries, so where is this all coming from now?" (I finished up with:) Yes, I'm not familiar with XYZ, but think about it....of all the times that we've been together, how many of these have I done? Yesterday was my first one, and so I brought it to you to check over it. But dont get it twisted, I've got a smiley face, but I'm not gonna get stepped on."

Well, at that point she went on to say that she didnt know what came over her, and the next thing she new she realized that she was (verbally) dragging me under the bus. *Shrug* You know, I'll tell you what. I was surprised. I really was. And I'd lost my appetite for breakfast (in fact, it must have bothered me later in the day too because I had an upset stomach and 5 trips to the bathroom) Yeah, I'll spare you the details on that one.

But we walked back to our cars and I just felt like, you know....almost offended, and betrayed because I didnt expect that from her, but I knew I had to keep everything in perspective.

Well I get to work, clock in and after a few short minutes I think she was trying to backpeddle, in fear that I'd be angry or whatever and I told her, I'll just need time to process everything. I mean, I was dealing with internal trip-wires and whatnot and she was afraid she'd lost a friend. *Always, always, always -- I dont care WHO they are or what they present with, be cautious of the person who says, "I dont have alot of friends...* because there IS a reason. Either it's trust issues, or they drive them away because they're psychotic. I've learned this the hard way thru the school of hard knocks.**

Anyway, after about 4 minutes or so all I wanted to do was find some office with a closed door, put my head down and cry. But there was no time for that, so I stood in a hallway, let the tears fall, sucked it up and went on about my day. about an hour later we ended up in the same room and I told her that I received what she said in love, and for her not to worry, that I wasnt mad -- or harbouring any hard feelings. I respected her coming to me to tell me of her conversation, because hearing it thru the grapevine would have been worst. She respected me for the way that I handled it, and I think she didnt mean any harm in it, but I almost wanted to go right into defensive mode..and thats exactly what the devil wants to see: division amongst working pairs, friends and Christian's too??? I know we do too much praying and encouraging each other and the ppl we serve for his liking.

But whats my point? If you consider yourself a friend to someone, guard your tongue, especially against them. Friendship is an honor. Dont betray that. It's hard to come back from an offense -- dont let it happen to you

Kicked out the nest -- Good day!

2011-06-20T00:24:00.001-04:00

Got my first real taste of being on my own today in my department -- with my preceptor of course, but m yfirst full day -- no assistance. It went well.

It's cracking time ppl!

Went to war(fare) today

2011-06-19T00:08:00.000-04:00

Actually, it was yesterday when I posted the previous post. But shortly thereafter I prayed some, in the Spirit -- and it was so liberating. Especially when I was able to focus on HIM and let the sounds just run like a babbling brook of water. *Smiles as I think back* ...it's been a long time since that's happened. But I"m not playing...really, I'm not willing to get whooped up by the devil and the cares of this world, or by what it looks like is coming against me. NOPE! Declare it from the start...the word of the LORD. Man, it was powerful. I even went into work, grabbed my co-worker and said, "Meet me in the back..." Our prayer time was interrupted, but what was accomplished...was a firm enough foundation to get the day started (and finished) well.

I will count it all joy

2011-06-18T09:39:00.000-04:00

I'm here. (something my beast friend and I always say when there's nothing of real value is going on.) (smile) But I'm annoyed. Feeling a sense of unrest and irritation. I dunno why it's like reverse PMS. And by reverse I mean PMS after a period??? That doesn't make much sense at all now does it?

The male member of that family is having a pout-fest because I couldnt no excuse me -- wouldn't go to Breakfast with them this morning at 8 am. Here's the reason why: I got infron work at midnight. I'm up at 7. Im at the laundrymat at 730 tonwash clothes needed for an 11am work day. No I am not willing to get up any earlier, do laundry, travel 15 miles in one direction to leisurely cruise to the breakfast hut 10 additional miles away, only to pretend that I'm not irritated by the choice that i made; rush back, get ready for work and give it my all for another 12.5 hours.

No I am not willing.

Has he said anything about it? No. Not yet but his sarcastic snide remarks in friday let me know hes already felt it. (chuckles to myself) you know it's a sad thing to try to provoke someone to jealousy because I'd rather say forget'aboutit than to play your little game. (shakes my head)

I'm just irritated. God has orchestrated a wonderful gathering of you athletes next week from all across the region and has given us (team leaders) the opportunity to share the gospel of Good news with them during their time with us. And already the opposition comes. I will not be discouraged nor dismayed but the works of the enemy. Nor will I be used to accomplish hurt to those I care about. If these ppl can't see outside oftheir own selfishness then I dot know what more I can say or do -- because I've given all I've got to give right now.

God is good

2011-06-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

I just got in from work and I'm treating myself to a big bowl of applesauce. I smile as I think about how much I loved applesauce as a child. I mean, what a treat it was to have applesauce. Looking at the price of it now, I'm sure my parents made some sacrifices to buy that just because we (mainly me, not my sister) Liked it. Somehow I began to think about the time we went to the food pantry to fill our trashbags with no frills foods. And one time, I cut my finger trying ot open up that chunky peanut butter. But God is GOod.

I got word of some exciting news today and by the day's end, already ppl were trying to compete for what's mine. You know what I say to that? Whether I work my assigned shift, another shift, the shift I want, or bits of pieces of other shifts -- I still say...God is good.

Yes, I stand on that belief. God is good.

Busy week

2011-06-15T19:52:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. It's gonna be a busy week though, but even still I am trying to schedule in (and find time) for moments of rest -- and inactivity. (Sometimes just being home is not enough "getaway" from tasks and to-do lists)

Very Thankful Tonight

2011-06-14T00:03:00.001-04:00

Just came home for work. Facing an incredibly difficult schedule this week a combination of work, workshops, yearly certifications and other things - then a fully 4 day rotation, but with all that in mind, I'm am still very thankful tonight. God bless you all.

Networking

2011-06-12T22:06:00.000-04:00

Had a good time networking tonight with a friend. Feels good to be around ppl with like-mindedness in the Spirit and body of Christ as well as in entrepreneurship. It feels good to be able to "Speak life" into someone who sowed so many seeds of God and wisdom into my life 6 yrs ago -- I think we'll have to do this again!

Ah, good times. Good times indeed.

Weekend Recap - "I love you sister"

2011-06-12T16:11:00.000-04:00

My sister and her dog came to visit me and my dog this weekend. It was super fun.
Got caught in the rain while waiting for a concert to begin -- ended up going to Applebee's to eat and come back just in time for the music to begin.
Took my sister to (my) church today - per her request (yay!) Where my pastor preached on sexual immorality, pornography, addictions and struggles. (At first I was a little worried about how she'd react to this msg -- but it was tasteful and nobody left feeling condemned, more encouraged that Christ is in us and God is the deliverer.
Afterwards we stopped to eat and talk and then off to the family's house that I've mentioned previously and sat and talked briefly.
It made me realize that there IS still a connection there, and they do miss me -- (as evidenced by a statement the mom/wife made). So I'm gonna try to go over and put in some time to see them when I have some free days. (This week's gonna be busy with extra work meetings, classes, etc).
My sister and I visited a (local) waterfall and talked about the family (we visited) and talked about sowing seeds of Love to those who are unable to express it. (Case in point -- the Mom/Wife we sat with doesnt wear her heart on her sleep, and didnt have a mother who ever said she loved her -- but she heard it from her grandmother. Well now, it's hard to know how she feels about certain things cuz you'll never be able to read it from her face, but my only indication something was up -- showed up in her sharp temper. Her feelings are coming up to the surface.
This weekend was a good weekend. Glad to have done it -- and spent time with my sister because our schedules -- plus distance in miles -- do not allow for frequent visits. But this was special...especially the hearing pray over our lunch and her say, "I love you sister!"

Prayerfulness

2011-06-10T12:04:00.000-04:00

Since working with my Mensch, I've come to take on a more 'serious' about prayer...taking every little thing in prayer...and in advance -- with praiseful anticipation. So I'm praying for my sister. Her uterus issues and her future husband. (The Lord's let me know who he is....=0).

Prayer is such an important part of the day, and I'm learning that it's not the act(ion) of Prayer that's significant, but the connecting with God part that makes it all worth while!

Good news: healing.

2011-06-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I was able to talk about my ex-boyfriend with another friend, and not go down that Road of Misery that often accompanies bringing up the past and past loves. I realized -- that he wasnt trust-worthy, and didnt return the love that I'd put out there, but maybe, just maybe it was because he was only doing the best that he know how to-- at that time in his life. I'm in no way making excuses for him, but when I look at it in the grand scheme of things, that's probably the meat of the situation.

I was talking witha friend yesterday for like (an hour and a half on the phone) and I told her, about her situation, that a guy could have everything you want in him, but be immature and not be the right thing for you in the long run. Thats not to say that he cant learn the lesson and come back -- but sometimes ppl do and respond the best way that they know how based on what they can handle at the time. Does this mean that I'm holding my breath for BBG to come back? Absolutely not (and I say that with Praise to God for that healing). But I do know that we'll bump into each other again -- literally. Like I'll be walking backwards and then, bump...turn...and there he is. And by that time, I hope we can get the update on each other's lives.

Long story short, God is good. healing is real. And I have obtained it through His Grace.

Thursday Wrapup

2011-06-09T14:41:00.000-04:00

I finished my last counseling session today and teared up like a sap. Relieved that I am through that career-crisis bit that I was going thru; partly sad (good tears) because this was our official "goodbye" to each other.
I went to Barnes and Nobles to look at books, ended up looking at guys. LOL
Went to Library, got hit on (not literally, more like in the romantic sense) by a homeless bum (which made it not so romantic after all...LOL) But I did have on my Calvin Klein pants on. #MustBeTheSlacks
I obtained another wedding client this afternoon and secured the contract.
Now I'm off for a nap

Toodles.'

Best News EVER! My sister got saved 6/5/2011

2011-06-06T00:31:00.000-04:00

Man, I'mma wrap this post up quickly.

Woke up this morning with a praise on my lips and a prayer in my mouth.
Went to work today, got off and got a text msg that said," I got saved at church today"
Man, you just dunno how glad my heart is to know that my sister has accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior today.
Her testimony was really keen and (quiet funny at times) as she said that she had a dream that she was awakened by an alarm clock and on it said, (12:11).
She got to church and the passage preached was on Trusting God 12th Chapter, 11th verse. (which reads 12:11 in the pamplet).
Praise god for another answered prayer and a tremendous blessing!

(What's funny is that I got saved one day after her birthday, and she got saved 2 days after mine)

Cool huh?

Thanks for sharing in my celebration and joyous news!!

Quick Post: Great day

2011-06-04T00:47:00.000-04:00

Today (was) my birthday and I was surprised with flowers and a cookie from my parents, a cake from the ppl at work and a card from a few co-workers. (Plus tons of emails, calls, vm and messages online).

It's a new year baby!

Got an interesting offer today

2011-06-02T00:40:00.000-04:00

.... To move up and stay on an earlier shift rather than move up to the shift I was originally hired for. Each has it's pros and cons.

Pro I know the routine, have adjusted to this schedule and work with some good people.
Con I was hired for the other shift, but got it as a result of someone else taking the shift I wanted.

Pros for moving up to my shift: it was created for me. I'd work most of the hours I'm working now. Might get some new experiences.
Cons: I'm worried about the night shift trying to break me in. They seem a bit harsh. (to get back to the pros) I would only work with them unsupervised for about 4 hours.
Con. There could be a blessing Waiting for mr on that shift but the adjustment to the new hours would be hard but doable.

Pro for later shift. Being able to attend church every week
Pro for earlier shift. Church every other week.

I need to pray on this. Sit down and think about it. I don't wanna be greedy but I did hope and pray that something like this -- this exact opportunity would come open.sine I'm just thinking too much on this.

#Currently writing out scriptures on worrying.

Speaking from your heart

2011-06-01T11:56:00.000-04:00

You can never go wrong, when you speak from your heart....

I ran into a woman who suffered an injury 10 weeks ago has been wheelchair bound for the past 8 weeks. on top of that, she had to put down her 16 yr old terrier dog because he was dying. (..and then I entered the establishment with my small puppy) -- which of course brought her to tears.

We talked but didnt get all down in the nitty-gritty, but I felt good during the conversation because I spoke from the heart -- not a bunch of comforting words that sounded good; not a bunch of fluff that makes me look good -- no speaking from the heart means being transparent in speech and vulnerable. I like it. It's what I'm good at, but too offten shut off and stuff down. But when it flows, it flows. #Purpose

2011-05-31T22:45:00.001-04:00

Handwriting scriptures on anger by hand so that I may know and learn and grow in the Word topic by topic.

Weird dream alert

2011-05-31T05:44:00.000-04:00

Why did I just wake up from a dream where this woman I know chose to have a home birth changed her mind, tried to get to the hospital and had the baby in the car: a Lincoln continetial. I caught the baby and coached her thru it -- without gloves on. Yuck. Although this lady is not pregnant in real life, she is facing a major family unit/child transition as she sends her oldest son off to college.

The other dream I had was my worship leader was caught up on some baby momma drama that required a paternity test. That in itself was a funny dream because this guy is not a player or a ladies man but I think the dream relates to him searching for a lady friend.

And the very first dream I had in the evening was about me running into my old chmeistry teacher who demanded to know where I'd been and why she hadn't seen me in a while. I tried to think back to why I hadn't seen her -- blaming it on my schedule and recent transitions but ultimately I felt bad about not attending her classes. Later it occurred to me that the reason why I had not seen her was because --- I am not enrolled in classes this semester. LOL. I think I'd better send her an email in real life. in that dream there were other scenes involved such as a math scene where this asian dude was doing very well in answering the questions until the teacher found his cheat sheet and expelled him.