It's time.
I dreamt last night. That I was back I'd returned to a state where I'd left a shameful past. I drove, and I sat outside of an apartment that I'd rented, - actually one that I stayed. I didnt pay any rent, but I what I did, I did to earn my keep.
My friend at the time had multiple personality disorder. She was escaping from that whole clan of ppl who would 'call her out' of the house at all hours of the night to perform rituals and lewd acts, satanic acts, and then get right back to playing the part of living a regular life in the morning. I dont wanna get much into that, but she moved. I'd helped her move and her therapist thought it would be safer if she had someone living with her and so I did. I also was down on my luck financially, and very young so it ended up to be what I thought would be a win-win situation.
This dream....
Last night I dreamt that I (must've) drove up there and sat outside of the apartment. I'd looked into the window and saw that someone else lived there now...a man, and a woman - both happy and smiling. Time's passed, life goes on. I'd camped out for most of the day I guess but by that afternoon I was laying naked in the car, covered only with a blue blanket from my college. I'd had my dog, and a few other things. Somehow I either got into the apartment (which looked redecorated and designed with modern furniture and shades of green walls rom the outside view of the window) or ran into this old friend - I dont remember which, but I know that both happened. Maybe I got into the apt first and saw it was white washed walls, empty rooms and an apt filled with lifelessness. I'd went up stairs and found a room filled with dusty furniture and possessions -- my stuff that I left when I left in the middle of the day. Still there, shoved into a corner and undisturbed - covered in dust balls and cobwebs and I left (the apt in the dream).
Back in my car, now only covered in my blanket (yes, that's the sequence). Oh wait, now I know what happened...rewind.
I was camped out in the car, looking through the window and saw the two ppl, laughing and smiling and I felt relief because time had passed -- memories of a time back then were gone. I turned to my left, and saw the friend get into her car - a black mustang, back up and drive past my parked car. Lo and behold at about the same moment that she passed by a bag of garbage fell from my trunk (how did that get there?...) and landed in her path. She stopped, I got out the car, hid my face with a black hoodie, looked off to the side, picked up the garbage bag and got back in the car. By that time I was naked covered only in a college blanket, and went she left I entered the apt....
When I left the apt I saw a group of students walking up a long hill. This hill exists in real life at the apt complex, and it leads to the main road (somewhat like a State road - 3 lanes in one direction, and 3 lanes in another; speed limit 55. Yeah, this road is a monster). I walked up the hill in a pair of simple clothes pushing a large tupperware storage bin, a box of laundry detergent and my dog. Thats all I had. My car was gone. It began to rain.
I tried to avoid most of the crowd because of embarrassment, my clothes - tattered, stripped down my possessions laid right there before me and I was lost. I talked with a lady who asked where my coat and car was I and I told her that I didnt have it, that I needed to walk [off] (Representative of pay penance for..) to get to where I was going. Strangely I ran into my sister at the top of the hill who said she was going to class. It was odd for her to have been in this dream sequence -- but then again she kinda knew where I was living, just not all the behind the scenes info. And by the time I got to the top of the hill, the tupperware bin was gone, the rain had eaten away at my laundry detergent box and its powders were spilled up the asphalt. I'd myself and my dog left -- and his lease was gone so I had to hold him as I traveled.
Somehow, time passes it's now 530pm I'm in the apt in the room where I'd slept and left my stuff and I was looking through some art work in a sketch pad. There was a canvas picture of a charcoal depiction of a female holding out her middle finger. The title of the work was, "B". [for bitch]. Someone was obviously mad when they painted it. My mother entered the room.
She'd never been to that apt, ..and she was getting dressed -- covered in bra and panties only, getting dressed (for what, where IDK) We went downstairs, went to exit and damnit if I couldnt see through the window - she was home, got out the car, looked up twds the apt, saw lights on and entered the space. She looked at me, I looked at her and asked my mother for some time so I can talk with her. [Usually this would have been a moment of sheer anxiety and heart racing and fear and I would have been awakened by my own heartbeatting out of its chest, but not this time... not this time.] My sister (where did she come from...?) came down the stairs and gave me this, "I'll come in here and whoop somebody's butt if you need me to .." look, and got in line. At that time, my friend Crystal drove up into the parking lot. Drove! It took 770 miles to get there, how'd she know? And so leaving the apt was my father, my mother, and my sister, all dressed in suits and formal wear, and Crystal's hanging out outside -- she drove up in my car -- it had been returned...redeemed.
I turned at looked at her - the old friend - and she started the blame game. "What are you doing here? You know everyone knows that something's wrong with me...You've taken my freedom away...." I stopped her dead in her tracks with boldness and a finger pointed right in her face, "No your freedom is what you've given away!" and in my anger and pursed lips I stared her in the eyes and could see the scene so vividly - suspended in time.... Face to face, no fear, no hesitation, standing up for myself....
And I drooled.
Yep, yelling anger and pursed lips make for an excellent chance for spit to slip out. I got distracted, I felt the drool. I wiped my mouth and woke up.
God's not done with this. This is
the healing I've been needing
-- not directly seeking -- but I guess he has chosen this as his
appointed time. I lost so much of who I was during those years that it's
taken me 7 years to recover from it, and now,...now that I've found a
sense of what I'm passionate about and have the willingness to walk in
that; to be free to let my personality shine -- I sense that God cannot
allow me to let this unhealed area continue to be a hindrance in my
life. What ppl like most about me, I hold back and stuff down into a
boring shell of a person and that cannot be any longer. I tasted that
sense of freedom this past weekend while at friend's house holding her
newborn baby -- so relaxed and at ease...it really felt good to just be
who God made me to me.
What impressed me the most is
that I thought I was alone, stripped down and without and look at the
army of ppl who came to my rescue. This is not over. The healing's coming. And it shall be good.
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