The devil is a liar. True story.

Lemme tell you what happened, and how it happened. I posted something on facebook, something that was really heartfelt in response to another person's response, but when I checked their page later my comment was not there. Oh buddy! Lemme tell you where my mind went:

1. Where is the comment?
2. Did she delete it?
3. Why did she delete it?
4. Was it not up to "par" to be displayed on her page?

...and then the offense began.

I was offended. Of course, no one goes straight into offense, or realizes they've been offended until the whole situation's been brought to light, but the progression of those thoughts swirled further and further down into worry and concern.

1. What does she think about me now?
2. How's that gonna affect my chances at being selected to help with the Christian girls next time?
3. Will she bypass me because my comment wasn't bright and shiny, brady bunch "Christianity"?

....and the list goes on and on. But then the assault became internal and I began to doubt....

1. Maybe I'm not bearing outward fruits of the spirit.
2. In that case, I'd better prepare myself to say, "I'm not interested" when the opportunity arises.
3. I dont need anyone judging me.

WHAT?!?
Are you wondering what the big deal is? Here's what I said:

(Not word for word, but I said something along the lines of) : I was looking back into my past, and was tearful for the things that had happened that I'd done, but it's made me realize so much more that God is awesome to forgive and to grant grace and not pound me (into pieces and try to make me repay him for bad deeds). And for that, I've experienced his mercy and it's humiling. 

I didnt think it was so bad...a bit more raw than usually seen on most pages, but not derogatory. So why then did I get the "Your comment's been erased = I reject your expression of Christianity?"

Who knows, and who cares....cuz all I know now is that I signed on an saw that there was a notificiation where the original author responded to my comment. Go figure!

Facebook is buggy, but its not worth destroying your life over. I wasted a whole day feeling lousy for no reason, and really it was for NO REAL REASON at all. Mmm.

Not much else to say about that one. I'm putting this under the label of: Lesson's learned.

Tata fam.

Just wanted to launch a quick update for yall...

There's been times in my life where I've felt as if my life has mirrored ppl or events in the bible. I most often joke about wrestling with God like Jacob, or knowing how Abraham felt when he was instructed to leave his commonplace for a new promise -- but today's entry is on a new person from the bible and that's Hosea.

Hosea, if you remember was one of the minor prophets who was instructed by God to marry a prostitute. ITs been a while since I've read the story and I admit that I need to brush up on the Book of Hosea before I dig a ditch too deep to climb out of, but I do know that the prophet married a woman who eventually committed adultery against her husband with many other men publicly and was seen as a prostitute. Not only was Hosea told to stay with her, but to rescue her from the streets and invite her back into their home. (At this point, I believe they'd had a child together - which is symbolic, but I'll get there soon)

Where this fits in?


Well I've been spending some time with this guy - just mainly talking on the telephone, texting, and some brief hanging out together, but he isnt anything you'd think I'd be dating. And I say that because of my "business appearance" and past dating records. But he's a nice, considerate guy who's been cool to talk to, and hang out with.


What got me to the Hosea connection is:


That we've had a lot of conversations about acceptance. He's said that he feels very accepted when we talk, and that he doesnt feel judged because of his tattoos, or clothing choice, or that he has a child, but that he's able to just be himself -- and thats a good thing. He is considerate, gentle and very thoughtful. I think too that he's been hurt, misunderstood and judged so much so that he's become introverted and slightly distrustful of beginning new relationships - and that includes friendships. I think he's loyal in the relationships that he has with his friends and family, but that the trusting process is a long winding road. Recently I posted a facebook status message that said something like, "You can convince a person that you're unlike the others, you've gotta just live your life and let your life speak for itself." That was a message that came to me after an hour an a half talk with him, just mainly telling him that I'm gonna be me, and that I understand in my own understanding that I need to be patient because I feel as if he's waiting for the other shoe to drop... as if he's waiting for some off the wall response from me with some lunatic reaction.


OUCH!:


And then it hit me.... how much is this just like my relationship with God? See, I believe that God uses my real life situations to show me his goodness, and make his word real for me. Lemme explain.


In Hosea, the man struggled with the idea of loving this woman who'd cheated on him, but was obedient unto the name and high calling of love. In this currrent situation, this guy's cautiously revealing parts of himself for fear of rejection, under the notion that, she is/(I am) - just like all the other's who's done me wrong in the past. For me, however, I dont have those intentions, and I really do enjoy getting to know him and spend time together. For me, its not about the tattoos, the clothing -- the OUTWARD stuff, and quite frankly I find it attractive. Surprisingly, attractive. But for me, what attracts me the most is that he's got a good head on his shoulders, has made some mistakes in the past, but presses forward to make a better life for himself and his son, and that he's a great conversationalist. YEP! The dude's making love to my brain first. I like that he's humble and goal-oriented, with strong family ties and a good work ethic. And...he's fun to be around and he likes to laugh. I like that I can be myself -- boring, quiet, hyper, laughable, educated,...on and on and on... and he enjoys that. I'm in love with what I see as a person - the inner parts. The parts that matter. And so I feel a sense of God poking me on the shoulder with this revelation of who HE is.

*POKE POKE POKE*:

I feel like I can identify with some of those same thoughts and feelings. Some of the things that's happened this week has caused me to question my own views and feelings twds God, and ponder how it is that I'm able to "go there" to that place of distrust with God. I mean, seriously, has it been that I believe that one day God's not gonna be able to love that part of me? That he'll rememeber those one or two big things that I could not face? Could it be that he'll not accept the 'reminant' of my doings, and make me pay for it all? Should I fear Him? Why do I live my life with Him fearful that the other shoe should fall and that He'll take it all back? Those are some deep questions, and they're deep because they dont need answers, they needed to be expressed. Gosh, it is so frustrating to deal with someone who hesitantly takes your offers of kindness with a spoonful of suspicion -- like, "What's this person want from me...? Are they trying to trick me...?" I know it because I've been on both sides of the line, the Giver and the Taker....and then I've been on both sides of the Taker and the Taken....(yep, tricked again...) But through growth and wisdom I can see now how it felt to the be on the other side of the line. Ugh. Thank god for patient ppl in my life, and thank God for their patient endurance.

I decided that no matter which way this thing with this guy goes, that I am grateful to have met and experienced this season of companionship. *GRIN*, and the best part is, I've learned another life's lesson for the book of experience.

Tata Fam, God Bless.

*Moved to a moment of silence, of awe and of complete surprise, I just wanna say that God is soo Good. And that He will deliever as we move on in spite of.* Thank you Lord.

After finding another family member I realized that...
 
...He holds on too tight to his wife because he cannot bear to think that she would leave him just as his mom left him at an early age. But he rejects in defense and does not allow himself to become "close" to a female image.
And so he rejects his daughters.
And just as he's rejected his daughter, she now rejects men because she cannot cling to the image of a male.

Now it all makes sense.

Those were the words that my sister said and she listened on the phone...."Now I get it...! Now I get why you're so hurt over the relationship with daddy."

The magnitude of that statement still hasnt hit me but I'll tell you what.. my sister's got some maturity and some wise insight that just knocks me off my feet sometimes.

I'll have to file this one away for a later day. But until then, another puzzle piece has been discovered.

I took a quick trip up to see an old professor of mine to retrieve a referrence letter from her. Funny thing was, she sealed it and signed her initials along the crease of the seal. My curiousity wants to know whats in there, by my integrity wont let me open it.

Anyway, it was good to see her again, and to speak openly and candidly about my experiences in the workplace, AND my frustrations with my career (right now) -- though I did express my gratitude for the opportunities before me. There is still a bit of unrest within me.

Funny thing was, we shared the same gripes about the same things... and she was able to encourage me with a story of how hard things were for her this past summer. I admire that in her -- the ability to reach others as she shares what she's learned in herself. (PS, this is the same professor from: "And then I cried again..." )

It felt good to speak with her, aside from all the charming, colorful words and attitudes that ppl put on here - we were able to just get to the point. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, I cant say that I felt a complete turnaround in my 'tude, but I did say that I'd tuck her words away for a later time.

Shortly after that I received a call saying that my 130pm mtg was cancelled so I got the urge to call up a friend whom I had not seen in like 6months. We talk on the phone from time to time, but her family and my schedule keeps us two apart. She's cool though, I'm not sure if I've blogged on her -- I'll have to search that out. But anyway, she has a son with Autism, and she is complete agreement that he'll receive complete healing and bring forth a word from God. I admire her faith. She clings to God, not out of desperation, but in hope. Thats amazing.

This year I wanna be honest. More honest than I've ever been; about the things I'm feeling, the things I've been through, and the things I've faced, but not to the point of wallowing in the muck. MervMan says that I'm incredibly insightful even in the midst of a crisis (and that I'm the most confident person he's ever seen admit that she had low-self esteem...[Hows that for a memory Merv? LOL]. But I adore him a close friend and confidante. You just dont see many of these close connection friendships like you used to -- and for that reason our relationship is both blessed and special.

This year I wanna learn how to maintain my relationships. I'm so much of a "CutNgo" person when things dont work out. It works well for gardening, but not so much for humans. LOL. Seriously tho, I have an incredible knack for establishing relationships; I just need some improvement in having consistent long term relationships. But it'll happen.

This is also the year, I feel, where I will be able to stand in the face of adversity and be more confrontational. I've let too much slide for fears of appearing too aggressive, and not lady like. I cant help who I am. I am who I am, some ppl love it and others wont understand it.

I also feel like there's gonna be lots of change in my religious life as well. I know I've penned this blog as "Abiding, In Christ" but I'll have to do a changeup here and return to "A Woman after God's Own Heart" because I cant say that I am 'abiding' as I should. (PS, I also feel like this is also [redundant] the year of decisions. No more of this being superspiritual/cautious/suspicious of everything. I've reduced the decision making process into a simple choice: Either ham or turkey, you cant half both just as you cannot travel in both the East and West Direction at the same time.


One or the other. Thats it. Keep it simple and keep it moving.

(Written on Satuday, Jan. 2nd, 2010)

I felt convicted when I listened to two women discuss their lives with each other in KFC.

See I was being served by a woman who had cuts and scrapeson her arms. I could see where they were starting to heal but were still opened to air.I looked into her eyes and could see that they were yellow and I thought: "Hmm I wonder if she's got hepatitis".Then she turned and limped as she took a few steps twds the counter as she handed me my cup. Her movements peaked my interests as to what what going on with her leg. But I'd already made my judgments and walked away to eat my meal.

I watched her as she left the cash register and chose the items for her own lunch and hobbled to the seating area. I looked down at her leg and saw the boot/cast in her foot.

I listened when she spoke to her Mexican coworker.
I listened to the questions about her foot and the replies of how it happened.
I listened to the woman recall how her car flipped in the air and landed on it's side only to be hit again by another vehicle.
I listened to her describe the sound of her foot being broken.
I watched her body language as she said no she couldn't take off 6 weeks because she had to work.

But then I watched as her coworker anxiously awaited her ride to arrive.
I listened as she told the woman witht the boot about how her baby boy was sick and in the hospital and how she had to work while ge laid there without her.

If judging another was a real crime I would be guilty and this would be a case for conviction.

I felt bad when I heard their stories because I know that my behavior is a result of the condition of my heart. A heart of love and of hate and judgment.

I just read an article written by a pastor somewhere that spoke about God's Glory, and it caused me to think..."Man I miss that...that being in his presence." Yeah, call it pentecostal (grin) but I remember feeling and experiencing the tangible signs of His presence in the church -- not so much now in the church I go to. But thats neither here nor there. I thnk that article made me remember that I can ask God to show me his Glory, I can invite him into my hours of worship; I can invite him into my duties and taskes -- anytime. Yes, I know he's with me always. (Head knowledge) but I forget that. I mean,I dont make it a practice to acknowledge his presence, to stay conscious of his being with me. I forgot that.

I miss that.

But having seen that sparked an interest again in my heart to take steps to be in his presence again. (Well, that terem is a cliche and over used) because I know that when a person receives salvation, they receive his spirit, etc...) but I'm talking about mindfully thinking, talking, interacting with him. Maybe I ought to give that some more tries.

This thought stems from the recent "friend request" that I received on facebook - from an ex-boyfriend who is now the pastor of a congregations of homosexuals by homosexuals. And I just wanna say that gender and sexuality seems to be both a hot topic and a hot issue for many Christians, and non Christians at this present time, but this post is not dealing with that, but another thought altogether.

I see, now, in his profile picture that he's in a relationship with another dude that I knew from another church organization - both are handsome, black men deeply involved in ministries and good community works, but what bothers me (or puzzles me) is this... what's caused this in both of these men's lives? I know the one guy had issues of being molested, and I know *here's the disclaimer* that thats not everyone's case, or situation, but I can see where that along with family dynamics and other stuff could potentiate him to prefer to be in male company (*political correctness*). But the other dude, I dont know. I mean, I met him years ago through a (mini) church trip/group/travel thing and he was sweet - and by sweet I mean, a nice kid -- being that he was somewhat younger than the rest of us, but he was nice; not particularily rough, thuggish, or anything like that. Just well mannered and well manicured. (Not literally - figuratively). His social group, I noticed was pre-dominately white, which for him and his race was that of a different group and so I go back to wondering what are the common denominators in young black men who are living homosexual lives. Is it broken familes? Is it the case of same-sex, molestation? Is it the absent father figure and the need to be loved? Or, better yet... is it the rejection from women of their own race? Now, I've noticed that he was a sweet guy, caring and compassionate, and so I wonder, is that a characteristic of a young male headed that way? I do not believe that all non-thuggish males are homosexuals, just like not all rough-outdoorsy women are lesbians. But I wonder if this is something that he's always wanted, or something he caved into because of rejection and pressure.

I've noticed, and it's just me observing - that you will not find most of these men dating strong, *(sorry to say this, but its true in this case:) stereotypical black women. Instead, you'll find them surrounded with one of two women: nurturing black women who satisfy the "mommy" role in there life, or women outside of their race. And I wonder, if this two isnt a part of the dynamics to this thing. I wonder if (for them) if it's years of feeling inadequate of being the "quote" black male that they see portrayed in movies and music videos, or if it's avoidance, or what.

Either way, I dont have the answers, and I know that this topic is taboo for some, and hot for others so I'll just leave it where it is..as a typed out thought of the day.